THE 2ND LAW : Make It Attractive
Chapter 9 : The Role of Family and Friends in Shaping Your Habits
Case study: Laszlo Polgar is a believer in hard work who rejected the idea of innate talent.
His mantra was “A genius is not born, but is educated and trained.”
He raised 3 kids in a home-school with chess environment. It’s filled with chess books and pictures of famous chess players. They would also compete against each other and have their life dedicated to chess.
All three became great chess players. Although the Polgar sisters’s life were atypical, they claim their lifestyle was attractive, even enjoyable.
The Polgar sisters grew up in a culture that prioritized chess above all else—praised them for it, rewarded them for it. In their world, an obsession with chess was normal. And as we are about to see, whatever habits are normal in your culture are among the most attractive behaviors you’ll find.
THE SEDUCTIVE PULL OF SOCIAL NORMS
Humans are herd animals. We want to fit in, to bond with others, and to earn the respect and approval of our peers. Such inclinations are essential to our survival. Meanwhile, those who collaborated and bonded with others enjoyed increased safety, mating opportunities, and access to resources.
“The lone wolf dies, but the pack survives.”
As a result, one of the deepest human desires is to belong.
We don’t choose our earliest habits, we imitate them.
We imitate the habits of three groups in particular:
- The close.
This is true of the physical environment, and social environment - family, friends, coworkers, locals, etc.
As a general rule, the closer we are to someone, the more likely we are to imitate some of their habits.
One of the most effective things you can do to build better habits is to join a culture where your desired behavior is the normal behavior. New habits seem achievable when you see others doing them every day.
Your culture sets your expectation for what is “normal.”
Join a culture where (1) your desired behavior is the normal behavior and (2) you already have something in common with the group.
Nothing sustains motivation better than belonging to the tribe. It transforms a personal quest into a shared one.
- The many.
Whenever we are unsure how to act, we look to the group to guide our behavior.
Humans are similar. There is tremendous internal pressure to comply with the norms of the group. The reward of being accepted is often greater than the reward of winning an argument, looking smart, or finding truth. Most days, we’d rather be wrong with the crowd than be right by ourselves.
When changing your habits means challenging the tribe, change is unattractive. When changing your habits means fitting in with the tribe, change is very attractive.
- The powerful.
Humans everywhere pursue power, prestige, and status. We want to be acknowledged, recognized, and praised.
Historically, a person with greater power and status has access to more resources, worries less about survival, and proves to be a more attractive mate.
We are drawn to behaviors that earn us respect, approval, admiration, and status.
This is one reason we care so much about the habits of highly effective people. We try to copy the behavior of successful people because we desire success ourselves.
We are also motivated to avoid behaviors that would lower our status. We are continually wondering “What will others think of me?” and altering our behavior based on the answer.
** Chapter Summary **
- The culture we live in determines which behaviors are attractive to us.
- We tend to adopt habits that are praised and approved of by our culture because we have a strong desire to fit in and belong to the tribe.
- We tend to imitate the habits of three social groups: the close (family and friends), the many (the tribe), and the powerful (those with status and prestige).
- One of the most effective things you can do to build better habits is to join a culture where (1) your desired behavior is the normal behavior and (2) you already have something in common with the group.
- The normal behavior of the tribe often overpowers the desired behavior of the individual. Most days, we’d rather be wrong with the crowd than be right by ourselves.
- If a behavior can get us approval, respect, and praise, we find it attractive.