If you are like all the parents of teenagers that I’ve spoken with over the past decade, you’re in a continual search to find balance. Parents of teens regularly ask questions that illustrate this, such as: How do I find the balance between being a “parent” and being a “friend?” Do I push my teenager to try new things or allow her to hang back? How do I know when to say “yes” and when to say “No?” What’s the right level of freedom for my teenager?
Your search to answer the questions above may frustrate you at times, because there are many ways to answer the questions. And your answers today will be different than your answers next spring, or the following fall. That’s one of the difficulties…the answers change. And except in some key areas like drug and alcohol use, there are many shades of gray, creating challenges for parents.
“Balance” takes on a special meaning when it comes to parental monitoring…a key element in keeping your teens safe from experimenting with risky behavior. What do you consider the right level of parental monitoring? It will likely vary depending on the age of your teenager, and surely higher levels of monitoring are important for younger teens.
Here are some well-recognized guidelines:
- Know where your teen is when s/he is not at home or at school,
- Know who s/he is with,
- Know how to get in touch with her.
- If she has a cell phone, know the land-line phone number of where she is.
- Know the cell phone numbers of her closest friends.
- When your teenager is going to a party at a friend’s home, call ahead to verify adults will be present and actively monitoring activities there.
- If you drop your teen off at a friend’s home with whom you are not acquainted, go to the door and introduce yourself.
- Don’t be shy to directly verify that no alcohol will be served to minors.
Advice from recent teens:
What if your teenager said to you that she is expecting you to make the tough decisions for her? What if he said he was holding you accountable to help keep him safe? Would knowing that impact the way you monitor your teen? Well, they may not say this to your face, but this is exactly what most teens feel deep down. In my blog I report on comments from young adults in their early 20s who were very recently teens themselves. Their comments can guide you in your search for the right balance in your parental monitoring…and their guidance may surprise you. They say: “My parents were right in giving me a midnight curfew. After midnight a teen can’t do anything that isn’t illegal.” “Teenagers need boundaries whether they say so or not.” “Have a healthy distrust. Teenagers these days are doing things that you would never think possible. With this healthy distrust you need to put responsibility on your teenagers. But do not distrust so much that there is a distance.”
The balance of applying the right degree of monitoring often becomes trickier as your teens grow into the upper years of high school. While you may allow your teen more freedom and independence, the comfortable balance that allows you a good night’s sleep may still elude you. To make good choices for you and your family, you’ll need a combination of intuition, honest and open communication with your teenager, and a realistic knowledge about what is going on in his peer group.
Find support in a parent discussion group:
This is why having a support network of parents is so important. Not only will a network of peers keep you knowledgeable, realistic and informed, you benefit from having a group of friends with whom you can explore your choices, feelings and issues. Your friend may allow a different level of freedom for her 7th grader than you feel comfortable with, but it helps you to hear her rationale. Even if it simply confirms your own choice, there is benefit in that. Of course, in a support group you can learn strategies that others have found helpful; you will learn that you are not alone and the struggles you face look awfully similar to the struggles taking place in other families.
Parents who have been in parent discussion groups have found that discussing issues with their peers is profoundly valuable. The elusive balance that you seek can be found in dynamic, and regular conversation with other parents. Parents who have been in discussion groups say things like: “I’ve felt very isolated in my parenting. It was so helpful to hear another approach.” “This has helped me learn that I have to let go and be more flexible. And it helps to hear about how others in the group are letting out the rope…” “This group allowed me to address the bigger issues, and the more private issues. I’m unlikely to have a casual conversation with a friend or acquaintance about ‘how do you check for alcohol at your parties?’”
The search for balance isn’t answered by one approach, one answer, one event. Finding balance is an ever-changing process. The process is supported by accessing the excellent resources here on the Partnership’s website, and by regularly connecting with your fellow parents of teens.