My own worst enemy

I've thought long and hard about whether or not to even write this, but some of my friends said it could be good for me to get the story out there. After all, the first step to a solution is admitting there is a problem.

Now I've been working at the same company for nearly two years now and it's been an experience, to say the least. Some of it was good, most of it was bad. I've always been an all or nothing guy, even though that has got me into trouble on several occasions.

When I started working here, it seemed like the best step I had ever taken in my - still young - career. The work was fun, the people were fun and I enjoyed every bit of it. It almost came naturally to start working more and more. What started as 40 hours a week soon changed to at least 60 hours a week, but most of the times over 70 hours a week. Now that's not something that bothered me because like I said; I'm an all or nothing kind of guy. I enjoyed what I did, so it didn't feel like there was something wrong.

That lasted for around 4 months after which it was time to go on a vacation. The main problem with me working so much was that I've created a dependency for the company. They were completely depending on me and while that may seem like a good thing at first, it's not so much fun anymore when you're forced to come home early from your vacation because several problems have arose which only you can solve.

Looking back at it, that was the moment I should have said; Enough is enough. Unfortunately I didn't, because I was just too blinded and somehow I had convinced myself this was a normal situation if you enjoy your work.

As time went by and months passed, I could feel myself slipping away more and more. Exhaustion was starting to get the best of me and it resulted in me making more and more mistakes. It put a strain on my relationship and my friendships. After all these months with work being my main focus, I felt like the person I once was had completely disappeared. What didn't help at all was that I had gotten zero appreciation for all the work I had done for the company. All the hours I've spent working. If you're spending every bit of time you have on working without getting any appreciation, it will become too much eventually.

However, blinded as I was, I told myself my upcoming travels to Asia for 3 months would fix everything. That would be the time to let it all go for once and reset. I couldn't have been more wrong.

The moment I stepped on that plane, I started suffering from panic attacks. At first I thought it was just me being nervous for my trip, even though I was really looking forward to it. It didn't take me long to realise that because I was finally away from all the stress from home, I started taking the time to actually think about the situation I found myself in at work. I finally had no excuse to not think about it and I was forced to face this troublesome situation. The panic attacks kept getting worse and basically I wasn't enjoying myself at all. The work had simply been too much. Eventually every situation i found myself in where I didn't have an option to "escape" if I needed to, triggered a panic attack. In the end the fear of a panic attack, actually triggered a panic attack.

After a month I was forced to go home because I simply wasn't in a position to enjoy any of it and being all alone only made matters worse. Of course my vacation wasn't all bad, but with panic attacks on a daily basis, it's hard to fully enjoy the trip.

Now I've been home for 1 month now where I've had the time to think about the situation. I decided to start thinking of myself more instead of the company all the time. Obviously I do still think my work is important, but it's not important enough to risk my (mental) health. I've started working again this week and the first thing I did was set boundaries and told my boss about "the new me".

As expected though, he didn't like it one bit and I've felt stressed out again. I'm seeking professional help, because I've finally come to realise I can't do it all by myself, even though I'd like to. I guess that's the first step to a solution, but I do feel I have a long way to go. I've gotten the advice to talk about it, so maybe writing this might be of help as well.

Meanwhile, I'm also applying for new jobs because I don't feel I'm in the right company anymore. Maybe I never was, but it took me a while to actually realise that. It's time for a change of scenery where I can focus on my work without it being such a strain on my health.

Anyway, thank you for reading and I hope it will help some people realise that they're not alone. I've learned the hard way you can't do it all alone, even though I'd love to.