The Handy Man: Comedyopenmic 34 second entry

There's no easy way to say certain things and this issue currently presents itself as one of them. My quest for love, romance and sexual fulfilment has led me to this point and I sadly see no end in sight.

My quest for sexual fulfilment has had me religiously watching porn. I'm open enough to talk about my issue because as they say, a problem shared is a problem half solved.

I've been in a rather committed domestic relationship with my left hand, though I cheat on her every now and then with my right hand, it never feels the same. Perhaps my right hand only exist to remind me of this. Anyways, our love story seemed set in stone, "boy meets hand, boy and hand fall in love etc" and you know the rest. Anyways, it all started with porn and it seems like its going to be the end of me.

I'm probably at my lowest point ever mentally but I think sexually speaking I'm at heights only reached by the trained performers(porn stars) themselves. This is actually a gift and a curse, you see my heightened sexual consciousness has ruined my past time. In the past it use to be easy to enjoy my "me time"; all I did was sit in the bathroom, smear some soap on my girl and we'd be drunk in love. Its all fucked up now; I started having cravings, very weird ones.

The first one I ever had was this affection towards sextapes, not sure why but knowing these people weren't pretending actually made the experience more fulfilling. Sextapes came easy to find and I'd fantasize about making mine but it'll be super boring; it'll just involve my hand, a penis and a lot of squeals .

As time went on, my cravings went a bit further, my interest in anime sent twisted thoughts into my head, I suspect the pervy Japanese artists often expected followers to wonder/fantasize about it all. So hentai was the way and it specifically had to have characters from Naruto or One piece, which was easy at the time to find but after spending months going through every hentai movie involving them two, shit started getting real.

Wank sessions became longer, way longer than expected. I'd sit on the toilet looking for specifics. It had to be something different every night, something new or the sleep won't come. Just yesterday it was "mixed wrestling" which basically involves two naked people pretending to be wrestling while the day before, it was dedicated to teacher and highschool. It keeps getting more difficult to enjoy my "me time" and I've possibly had too much of me.

I'm in desperate need of some loving, so I'd be nominating @ruth-girl to come show some love to the platform. I'd also like to nominate @trumpman, a sage and legendary shitposter on this platform to make entries for the Comedyopenmic contest.

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