Comedy Open Mic Round 44 : OVER THE SILVER SKY TO THE WORLD OF NEVER : Part 104 - In Danger Of Being Seriously Killed.

YES IT'S TIME FOR ANOTHER BATSHIT CRAZY IRRATIONAL RANT.

Last night many will have endured the Golden Globes. It's awards seasons once again, time to fulfill that suicide pact I think. Another dozen excuses for fabulously wealthy, self obsessed assholes to pat themselves on the back for pretending they give a fuck about anyone but themselves. Although the awards they share out are for pretending, this is carrying the delusion too far. They're crossing the line into Narnia here. I'm still reeling from the revelation that Ellen DeGeneres is homophobic. That's right. She's a homophobic lesbian, because she forgave Kevin Hart for something horrible he did ten years ago. What a hateful bitch she is. He's not Pam Reid after all. She gets a pass for scores of homophobic and Islamophobic slurs, because she's changed. I'm pretty sure it's only her underwear to be honest.

I didn't watch the orgy of supersized ego's, but I know that at some point during this self congratulatory, mutual masturbatory, session; at least one multimillionaire will say they are changing the entire world for the better. NO YOU AREN'T. If Hollywood had that kind of influence on the entire world it would also be to blame for everything that is wrong with it right now. You've got a ton of shit to make up for already. It's only thanks to you, after all, that things are this bad. You can't claim credit for cleaning up the mess you made then give yourself awards for it. "Hey I'm the one that's been shitting in your bed for years and leaving it. I just cleaned up my latest dump, so give me lots of money, free booze and drink and an expensive paperweight." That's not how it works. Except disturbingly that is exactly how it works. They can shit on everyone then hand out a single crumpled wet wipe to thunderous applause. Rant concluded. Now on with the nonsense.

(The copyright to this image is the property of Reuters.)

Everyone was settling down for the night. Sleeping on deck it seemed. Jake stood at the rail taking in the vista. The dim glow of Harrowmist in the distance behind him. He was being contemplative. Life had changed that day he first met Sharon. It had been empty and meaningless. Now it was filled with possibilities. The chief one being that he was in danger of being seriously killed. In The Never that could be fatal. Instantly stalling his newly found social life. If having a few beers with the crew while they gently took the piss out of him could be called a social life. Jake didn't know. He'd never had one before. If you excluded the rare academic dinner he'd attended. They weren't exactly sociable. A room filled with people holding long standing grudges against one another over parking spaces or mld criticisms of that paper they'd published fifteen years ago. Overall Jake would quite like to find out if this was a developing fellowship, before it was drastically cut short. Life was now worth living. He supposed it always had been only he'd never been a participant.

Most of the crew were already asleep. Fetu and Sade were talking quietly as were the Captain and Boatswain Pengelly. They did that a lot. Indicating Doxy had a deep trust in him. While these futuristic pirates had similar principles to the historical ones he knew a bit about, their command structure was different. It was far more flexible. One moment Sade would be yelling out orders to Pengelly the next he'd be commanding her to do something. It seemed to work. Academia was far more rigidly stratified, even though it didn't like to admit it. Jake felt, rather than heard, the crinkling rustle of Hermes inside his head. The one that indicated he had something important to say. Jake moved along the deck to somewhere more secluded. Not sure who knew of his illegal technology and who'd been kept in the dark.

"You really should be getting some rest you know." The AI chided. "Red Mist and Turbo running at the same time is not recommended."
"Yes mother." Jake muttered ironically.
"I'll have less of that attitude from you young man." Hermes responded in kind. "You'll not be the one that has to put up with you being tired and cranky tomorrow morning. All that lovely alcohol you drank was good. It's an okay source of energy and the vitamin B gives you a boost."
"I was wondering why I wasn't getting pissed. Normally after drinking that much I'd have been believing I was interesting. That's something nobody should have to endure. Thanks."
"Don't mention it. Seriously, do not mention it. I'd have loved to have recorded the inevitable stream of unconscious bullshit pouring forth. Then used it against you. I'm upset I've lost that golden opportunity. I don't have to prevent you from making a fool of yourself you know. That's not part of my core programming."
"So why are you so interested in my condition tomorrow then?"
"I'm the one that will have to deal with the energy debt. You think a hangover is bad? Imagine having one while running a marathon on a blazing hot day."
"It's that bad?"
"No. It's far worse. For me. That's why I'm going to be sharing the pain, if you don't get some rest. That'll learn ya."
"Fair point I suppose. I shouldn't really hold a grudge against you after all you've done for me. I'm still going to though. That's going to be deposited in the grudge bank, where it will be gaining interest for the foreseeable future."
"Who might you be talking to?" A soft accented voice asked from the shadows beside him.
How he didn't jump out of his skin was anybody's guess? Morag emerging from the darkness only produced a startled squeak. That was amazing considering how much he was panicking.
"Myself?"
"Really?" The engineer riposted.
"Yeah... You should ask Grundel Spagthorp about that. He knows all about me and my.... ways. I love arguing with myself. It's what keeps me sane."
Jake was scrambling here. Digging himself deeper and deeper into a hole. Hermes was as surprised as him.
"I have no idea how she got past me." He apologized. "I dropped the ball there. I'm going to go away now to pore through all my data logs. Bye."
"You cowardly bastard... Is what I am always saying to myself. Running out at the slightest sign of danger."
Phew. He'd managed to save that schoolboy error from revealing anything.
"Especially after you've thrown yourself into the middle of six heavily armed men all intent on killing you?"
Or possibly he hadn't.
"Oh it's really complicated. My cowardice I mean. Very, very hard to explain in simple terms. I'd love to tell you the exact details, but it would take far too long and even after I did I don't expect you'd understand. It's the male brain thing."
"I've got four doctorates. I was also a man for eight years. Why not try me?"
Stall, stall, stall!
"Really? Four you say? That's quite a lot. It's four more than the majority of people. What were they in? I've got one in history and that's proved to be completely useless except for the purpose of teaching history. Some of this stuff is really personal as well. So if you've got a PhD in psychology, I'm not saying another word."
Not without his lawyer he wasn't. Hopefully she'd take the hint and not continue to delve further. She was standing beside him at the rail now. Staring out towards that deep blue horizon. It might have worked. Women were far more emotionally intelligent, weren't they? Jake could be hiding some deep personal trauma. Fuck. Why hadn't he gone with that? Not wanting to talk about something always worked first time. Unless he was confusing that with Ronson lighters. She pulled a small phial from her pocket, half filled with a liquid that looked incredibly dark, almost black, in the subdued light. It struck him that might be blood. She placed on the rail beside him. He could reach out his hand and knock that into the water below. Pretend he'd done it accidentally.
"Are you sure it isn't anything to do with those little beasties in your blood? I only managed to save a few, but that was enough. Enough to know that you're carrying around a biologically based, composite, artificial intelligence. Made up of literally millions of tiny wee biots. A technology that is not only banned throughout most of the known universes, but considered impossible in 99% of them. If you're still not ready to fess up, I should tell you that security will have been stepped up to incredibly high levels in Harrowmist. So high that there's a small chance they'll be able to detect your companion. I can help with that. Save you from being arrested, interrogated and eventually dissected."
Too late, but if he got rid of that phial there'd be no evidence. Now, was it worth risking being the center of attention of a lot of people with sharp medical instruments?
"Are you bluffing?" He continued prevaricating. When in doubt play for time.
"No. That was all true. Besides the Captain knew I'd worked it out. She told me to make absolutely sure you wouldn't set off another state of emergency."
"She actually cares about me?"
"Not really. We'd all be in the brown stinky stuff for bringing you here, and we've already strained our relationship with Harrowmist to near breaking point. Even stopping this galleon won't help. They might conclude we had something to do with it, given the ease we had in dealing with a vessel three times our size. I'm guessing you're host to the legendary Hermes."
"Hero of The Clown Wars." Jake added, resignation filling his every word. "I'm still not swallowing that though. It makes no sense at all. I mean why would they have kept the enormous shoes? And if he's illegal technology why would they have ever allowed him to battle these so called clowns? Eh, tell me that."
"Because back then he was entirely machine based. Made up of electronic nanites. It was only much later composite intelligence's were outlawed. You can still use them, but they have to be composed of dumb little robots with restricted capabilities."
"You've got an answer of everything." He grumbled. "Yes, as you very well know you are entirely correct. There isn't a lot more I can tell you apart from him being a complete asshole to deal with. I've got no idea how he functions. I'm just the pathetically unimpressive meat sack he's forced to travel around in. Satisfied now? I am indeed a coward and everything I do that's the least bit impressive is completely down to him. I am nothing without him and I know it."
"Son of a bitch." Hermes exploded. "I was so busy hiding I wasn't able to record that for posterity. I'm not even sure I'll remember it. Frigging core programming."
Yes, as always it was all about Hermes. Morag hadn't even pretended to disagree with his summation of what he was. Jake had no reason to doubt its accuracy. It would have been nice if she'd patronized him a bit. Acted as though he mattered. Now the only option he had was to continue to sulk. He was nothing, but a convenient mode of transport.
"Is it okay if I slink away now?" He asked morosely. "Only Hermes insists I need a good nights rest after all my exertions."
The AI interjected instantly.
"Hang on. I might have been a little bit hasty. I'm sure I can find a work around. You've got a spleen and and an appendix that I can use for raw materials at a pinch. I can grow them back later."
"Shut the fuck up." He'd said that far louder than he'd intended. Who gave a shit anyway? "Take whatever you fucking want. If you find a soul in there you are welcome to that as well. I don't fucking need it. Now if you'll excuse me Morag. I'm going to retire for the night."
The redhead had stood there impassively while he had his tantrum. Knowing his anger wasn't currently directed at her.
"I'll need to add additional anti-detection and stealth routines before you set foot on land. We're at the extreme range of their projectors here so even when the shields come down we'll have to get closer before I can do that."
"Yeah whatever. Do what you have to."
Doxy and Pengelly emerged from the darkness.
"Do you wanna keep the noise down." Pengelly admonished.
Jake whirled round his hands poised over his weapons.
"Do you wanna make me?" Everyone stood frozen. Jake the first to move. Snatching up a blanket and walking towards the far end of the deck away from the others. "I'll try not to disturb you anymore than I have to." He spun on his heel to face them again. "One thing though. As much as you distrust me, I distrust you even more. With very good reasons. Good night."
With that he stalked off. The boatswain cursed and took a step after him. His Captain pulled him back.
"Leave it. Sparky has had a trying day. He needs some time to process it. That's all. I hope that's all. Morag, make sure he doesn't leave the ship before you do your stuff. Pengelly, you Fetu and I will go ashore with him tomorrow."
"Aye Captain. Killing people can take a man like that. I should have been more understanding I suppose. We'll keep him safe from himself. Daft bugger."
Doxy gave a humorless laugh.
"No. I need you to keep Harrowmist safe from him. If he really is The Wanderer and things kick off, there's a very real chance he'll win. I've seen him in action. What you witnessed today? That wasn't even one percent of the mayhem the real Wanderer can cause. Daisy and her people consider him to be a demigod. That's why she came along. To keep an eye on him. For good or ill, The Wanderer changes things. He doesn't look like much, but that's one of his strengths. He passes through unnoticed, until it's too late. I've got this feeling in my gut. Harrowmist is in danger. He will either save it or destroy it."
"Well I'm glad he's on our side then." The boatswain paused. "He is on our side isn't he?"
His Captain patted Pengelly's shoulder.
"Yes. That's about the only thing I can be sure of. You don't put yourself through what he has for anyone you don't like. That reminds me of the other reason I want to be near him tomorrow. Something's going on. That damn flag. There's something about it. It's like a joke I'm not getting. I've already picked your brains. What about you Morag? Any ideas?"
"Afraid not Captain. Do you think I should...? You know. He seems to be in a much better mood after a hump."
"So your willing to make the sacrifice." Pengelly grinned.
She dug him in the ribs.
"Cheeky bastard. He's alright. I wasn't afraid when he got all heated up. I knew he wasn't going to hurt me. He was just lashing out at the universe."
"Well if he is The Wanderer, the universe better watch out then." He quipped half seriously.
"Mr Pengelly could you check the watch on The Harlot please?"
"Or in other words bugger off while I have a quiet word with Morag. You don't have to worry about hurting my feelings you know." He set off chuckling to himself.
"What happened when he went off?" Doxy inquired.
"I'm not sure. He got all down on himself and then had an argument with Hermes I think. I was going to let him vent for a bit. Let him calm down. Only that didn't happen."
"That sounds about right. Hermes is one of the most annoying personalities you could ever meet. At least as far as Sparky's concerned. What you've got to remember is that he chose that personality to live inside him. He could change it any time he likes, but he doesn't."
"You know an awful lot about him." The engineer asked curiously.
"I've met him a hundred times before. Always different. Always the same. That's why I know it wouldn't be a good idea to spend the night with him. Sparky should be fine by the morning." She looked across at the glimmering city. "One thing more I can say, without doubt. This is the start of another adventure. One of many. I can feel the excitement in my belly Morag. Can you feel it to?"
"You really think he's this Wanderer then?"
"There's a way to go before I'm certain one way or the other. Part of the fun is working that out."

I would like to nominate @booksandbeauty and @whatsup for the next round.