:boom: 3 methods to improve your communication instantly

Are you a good communicator?

Or do you often get feedback along the lines of:

People don’t understand you
You are hard to follow
You’re often at a loss for words
Your arguments don’t make sense
Even if you have good ideas, people are not easily persuaded by them
People find you vague
Your leadership skills are weak
You’re an introvert or not very talkative
You mean well but people misunderstand you and this may create antagonism

In this article we’ll explore X methods to instantly improve your communication. I have researched a lot on this subject and couldn’t possibly cover everything in one article. However, I’ll do my best to give you the best stuff. I want to make it practical and lasting.
That’s why this article is full of self analysis drills and communication exercises which you can do by yourself or with a friend.

Your feedback is highly appreciated and if you have any requests about certain subjects be it copywriting, management, sales or self-development please let me know and I’ll do another post on it.

:boom: Method 1: It all starts with you

Great communication is not some static point you arrive at, nor is something you can turn on or off like a lightswitch.

It is the total sum of your thoughts, emotions, voicetone bodylanguage, interaction and strategies to bring across your message.

It’s all about your state. In a lousy state you’re not able to communicate well at all.
Think of the last time you communicated really well. Maybe you had to do a tough negotiation or persuade someone to do something difficult. Now think of the last time you communicated very badly. It all comes down to how you feel. How you feel will impact your thought processes, reaction speed and tone of voice.

There can be many things which impact your state of communicating. Most people are affected when they are sick or have a bad day.

Now you might be thinking: “Oh no! he’s going to say that I have to do affirmations about myself, think positive, mind over matter!”

On those rare occasions that I have met individuals who could affect their subconscious in a very short time I always felt jealous. There’s only a small percentage of people who can do that. The most recent one I met was a self made millionaire operating six businesses and having a great physical condition.

So if you’re like me your brain needs a little more substance and there are two ingredients for that:

Certainty and proof.

During trainings I have often asked people to sit in front of the group and explain how they drive. They start by grabbing an imaginary steering wheel and turning the key. After about 30 seconds they’re in a tight spot: They certainly know how to drive, but (now very conscious of it) can’t explain how to do it.

Thinking might be another word for evaluating. Evaluating might be another word for doubting.

Once you start to evaluate your actions you start doubting them. And once you start to doubt yourself you’re opening the way to all kinds of trouble.

In whatever skill you want to better yourself there are four phases:

Unconsciously incompetent: You’re so new at it you don’t even know you’re making mistakes
Consciously incompetent: Your actions went through a feedback loop and you are now very aware of how much you suck at it
Consciously competent: You’ve improved on your errors and you’re doing things right but you have to be very sharp and think hard with every step
Unconsciously competent: You’ve followed through and conditioned yourself to do the right things at the right time without even thinking about it.

Most people who find themselves in a rut are stuck at level 2.

This is the hardest level and will create a negative spiral: mistakes lead to more self doubt which leads to more mistakes...etc if a shift is not made!

I was once training four people to give interactive group presentations. They were all a bit nervous since they were pretty new at it. One of them turned out to be ridiculously good in doing interactive presentations. She was on fire, she could make people ask things, let participants have a group discussions with each other, get people thinking about the subjects and provoked a spirited debate still within the limits of time constraints.

I asked her how she could be so good at it.

“Well, I’ve trained dogs”- she replied. In order to train a dog, get it to listen to you and be able to understand it you need certain skills, certain behaviors and I’ve translated that to these interactive trainings.

“Interesting” I thought.

A few days later I was working with this guy who had a lot of trouble in hosting interactive group presentations.

So I asked him: “Do you have a hobby you’re really good at?”

He told me his passion was playing guitar which he practiced for years.

“Okay, so what about playing guitar can be compared to doing good group interactions?”

Well, he said, it would first start with a catchy tune and then a good rhythm to accompany it.

So did you had a good tune now with your participants? - No, he said.

Well, I asked him, how would you do this?

“I should start the presentation with a question, a good tune is like a powerful question that makes you wonder about the subject.” - he replied.

I kept asking him to compare elements of guitar playing with doing an interactive presentation: “Strumming would be this...making a crescendo would be that...playing an octave higher would would be this....” on and on I kept asking him to make comparisons.

Now here’s the key: I wouldn’t say the things he came up with necessarily were textbook examples of good interactive presentation skills. I wouldn’t say that this were things that would improve communication.

….but it did!

The next time he stood for an audience he was much more engaging, he could start and stop discussions, get people thinking in new ways about a subject, he could even persuade most of them to take another approach in what they were doing. Sure, there were a few rough edges and he needed a bit more strategy but the improvement was huge.

The difference was he became CERTAIN of himself.

He was no longer an obstacle and being free from worry (conscious incompetence) cleared up his mind to be more flexible in his approach.

Every state that will improve your communication starts with certainty.

Everything that takes us from conscious incompetence to conscious competence requires certainty. And you have to find certainty within yourself.

A pianist could be ever so brilliant, but if he starts to doubt in the middle of his performance he will hit the wrong notes.

Take a look at this short video clip. Just ten seconds in you can see this man starts thinking about what he is doing, gets stuck in his head and loses his groove.

I bet when this poor man got home and forgot this ordeal and cleared up his mind he played the piece flawlessly.

All I’ve told up to now may seem like a lot but there’s a method to my madness.

:memo: Step 1: Identify great communication

So what you want to do is recognize the specifics of a great state in order to improve your communication.

Remember the last time you were able to communicate very well.

What did you say?
How did you say it?
What did you do?
In what way did you move?
What was the meaning you gave the situation?
What did you believe about yourself?

It helps to have a role model. Think of someone who is able to communicate very well. At least you want to have similar results like them.

How do they speak?
What kind of words do they choose?
What’s their body language?
What’s their tempo?
What do they believe about themselves?
What do they believe about their situation?

It might seem like a chore, but if you really want to improve your communication you’ll do it.

If you don’t have any good examples the internet is full of them. If you want to know how to stand firm in the midst of everybody attacking you just watch the Ted Koppel Town Hall Meeting with Nelson Mandela on Youtube. Now there’s a man with a strong state.

Or check out some interviews with Oren Klaff, he has stood before the most grueling audiences on earth (billionaire business owners) to pitch high risk investments and he’s one of the best in the world.

:memo: Step 2: Find your inner certainty

Like the example I gave about my student using guitar playing to improve his training skills I want you to find your own right brain activity you excel at and start finding entrances on how to improve your communication.

Music’s always great: there’s rhythm, there’s melody, harmony, expression, volume, intensity. Even if you don’t play music. Maybe there’s a really great song you’re familiar with: If you were to translate this song into a style of communicating how would you do it? What would be your strategy?

If it’s not music maybe it’s:

Sports
Crafts like drawing or painting
Playing Games

It can even be parenting, now that requires some really good communication skills doesn’t it?

So what is it your really unconsciously competent about and how would those skills transfer into communication? Make a vision in your mind and write it down.

The pitfall with this step might be that you start over analyzing and trying to make sense of things. This step is not about “truth” it is about certainty. Certainty is the key ingredient in improving your communication with others.

:boom: Method 2: The Language of Seduction

Take a look at the following sentences:

You must believe me
I have a fantastic offer for you
It is of the utmost importance you do this
This is our number one priority
I want you to
XYZ is going terribly wrong
You’re not working according to our protocol
This rule states that you must…

What’s the first thing that comes to mind when you read these statements? Most people would find them a little off-putting or downright annoying.

Most people, however, especially when the stakes are high, will use this kind of command language to exert control over a situation which has an adverse effect.

If you want to improve your communication you have to learn the language of suggestion:

I have a hunch you would be interested to know that….
I might have something you’d like
If we change one thing we would improve 20% of our whole operation
There’s a potential danger in doing something this way
Do you know what’s the reason behind this guideline?
Our protocol might help you do this easier
What if I told you you could do things way easier/better/faster with just three steps?
I want to find out if it would make sense to work together

If you look at these sentences you’ll see that rather than trying to press the person into thinking or doing something, these sentences seduce someone.

:memo: Excercise:

Think of some situations (work, relationships, business) in which you want someone:

To believe you
To tell you the truth
To do something for you
To pay you
To do something different

Write out how you would use the language of seduction to improve your communication. Of course you can tailor this to your specific situation.

:boom: Method 3: Giving feedback “the millennial way”

So I guess you’ve heard of the sandwich technique for giving feedback.

If not you’ll probably recognize it along the lines of:

“Well Bob you’ve really done a good job informing our client about our recent changes. You’ve did your best and you acted according to our standard procedures. What could be improved however was the way you handled the invoicing. That could be a lot faster and more accurate. But we were very pleased with your creatively written emails.”

The reason this is called sandwich technique is because you start out with something positive (a slice of bread on the top) then you add the thing that went wrong (the meat) and you close your message off again with something positive (the slice on the bottom).

This just doesn’t work anymore. What you often see is that the moment your colleague or superior starts with a positive comment you’ll find yourself just waiting for the negative.

I’m not sure but it’s my guess the sandwich technique went so viral in management and communication books and training worldwide that it just doesn’t work anymore. People have become resistant to it like viruses get resistant to medication.

The sandwich technique also has a tendency to invalidate the good points. After all you’re just using the things that do go right as airbags for the thing that went wrong. Also it doesn’t always make the point of improvement any clearer. You’re giving someone a very mixed message to say the least.

So a way to improve your communication is to change the way you give people feedback.

You could go paleo and get rid of the bread all together.

I think this depends on the fundamentals of your relationship or the ego of the other person.

If you have a good relationship with each other you know the intention is good. A person might also be confident in what he’s doing and he can take it. Or they might have a strong ego.

I have invented a method of my own also.

I call this method the “millennial” way of giving feedback cause millennials aren’t easily fooled but it’s important to them that their contribution still matters. It does, however, work on persons from all generations.

Here’s how it would work out in our Bob example:

“Well Bob, I suspect you can handle the invoices faster and more accurate. The way you handle communication with clients is very good so it’s only natural these two things compliment each other.”

What you notice is I immediately start out with the language of seduction. Someone who is seduced to change is far more likely to improve than someone who is forced.

Then I immediately come with my point of improvement. Because I have used the language of seduction in such a way that I am also acknowledging that Bob has the power to improve this I’m actually empowering him also. I end with something positive which still has a link to the point of improvement.

This link is could be anything. In the example I made it’s that Bob’s doing a great job at client communication and that a fast and correct way of handling invoices would be appropriate for those standards.

Two positives matching together is obviously the most easy way to link things together. But a link could also be that the person already has the skillset or frame of mind to improve himself. Or the link might be that he’s doing so well already that he can afford a little more time on his improvement point.

Either way you end with a logical slice of bread.

You might see this technique as the open sandwich: Meat on top, just one slice of bread below that compliments the meat and everything’s covered in a deliciously seductive mayonnaise.

:memo: Excercise

Improve your communication by thinking of a situation in which you have to give someone feedback. It might be a co worker, an employee, an associate, your significant other or even your children.

Write down a seductive opener
Write down what point of improvement you want to communicate
Write down what they’re already good at
Write down how their point of improvement is connected with something they’re already doing right

Writing this all out might seem a lot of work but most people who do this just once or twice can do it intuitively for the rest of their lives.

If you’re still reading you're probably one of those achievers! Thank you for your time and energy and I really hope you’ll get something out of this.
I’m always curious about your feedback and to use a little bit of seductive language: I suspect if you like this you’ll know what to do :)

But seriously, the real important thing for me is:

Is this working out for you?
Did you get inspired?
and of course what do YOU want ME to write next!?

Really, the driving force for me in writing these sort of articles are questions from people like you. Actual challenges in the field of communication and human understanding give me a kick in researching them and writing them out.