Well its been about eight days since I wrote a piece making fun of myself. Considering that I am a complete goof who is constantly doing things worthy of being made fun of, that is an eternity.
Yesterday my wife and I got into a conversation about things a man over forty should never say.
Ok this is cheating. "The Situation" is only 35... but no-one should ever say anything he says so it still counts.
At the time, I wasn't sure how we got on that subject. In retrospect, I now know the conversation was sparked by the fact that my wife is a diabolical genius!
This conversation was no accident. More on that later.
So we began trying to top each other's silly suggestions.
Here's what we came up with in no particular order:
"Are you pregnant?" (said to any woman who is not currently in the act of actually giving birth)
"Here kids, take my credit card."
"Sure mom you can spend the week with us."
"When's the last time you shotgunned a beer?"
"Groovy"
"Waz up?!!!!!"
or just "'Sup?" (accompanied by a single upward head nod)
"Dude" (More than once per day)
"But dear, lap dances were 2 for 1. If I didn't get the second one, it would be like leaving money on the table. Plus she would have been insulted."
"I'd like a shot of Bacardi 151."
"Sun's out...guns out."
"Can I have a Zima?"
"TTFN"
"Can you watch the kids while I go talk to that waitress?"
"My friend Death Nuts and I are going to Vegas with Charlie Sheen."
Then she ended with...
"Puppy-monkey-baby"
Wait!
I see what you did there.
My wife had very stealthily worked in things that I say that annoy here. She's an evil genius!
The first two are rather harmless. I will admit that I say "groovy" far more than anyone in 2017 should (which is probably once). But I kind of do it for the camp value... plus it has now become an unbreakable habit. I also say "dude" almost as much as this guy...
I'm sure it's pretty annoying.
But one phrase on that list might land me in divorce court some day.
Each day since Super Bowl 50 was played on February 7, 2016 I have inched closer and closer to either my wife divorcing me... or killing me.
On that fateful day, PepsiCo paid $5 million to air the following Mountain Dew commercial (and nearly ruin my marriage).
I couldn't get "puppy-monkey-baby" out of my head. I had to let it out. And let it out I did. If I were in a quiet room in our house, I would randomly let a "puppy-monkey-baby" fly. Stopped in traffic? Time to sing "puppy-monkey-baby". Sitting quietly at a baby's Baptism? That is the perfect time to whisper "puppy-monkey-baby" to your wife.
Eventually it faded. I stopped.
Then a couple of weeks ago, those jackasses at PepsiCo brought it back. I am right back were I started.
It will be a daily struggle to try and stop saying "puppy-monkey-baby". But I love my wife so I must try. So please wish me luck in my quest to avoiding driving my wife over the edge. I'm going to need it.
By the way, if (when) my wife does kill me, can you please make sure they put this on my tombstone...
"Puppy-monkey-baby"!
That's ok @hanshotfirst, just replace it with this gem of a jingle. The nanerpuss.
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That will haunt my dreams. Thank you.
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I had to return the favor. For some reason or another I had never seen the puppymonkeybaby--so I figured fair is fair, time to share.
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What The .......????
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Hahahahaha
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Pepsi knows whats up!
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Good luck Manbearpig
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I love manbearpig!!!
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Sup dude. Men over 40 should just listen to there wives and nod there heads lol
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LOL. Did my wife contact you and tell you to write that?
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Bahahaha, first off good luck. 2nd your wife is genius taking her nugget and going to implement it. She has a way of gently letting you know that certain habits aren't cute. Saying, Puppy-monkey-baby"!isnt one of those. Keep on!!!
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Ok, this one "Sitting quietly at a baby's Baptism? That is the perfect time to whisper "puppy-monkey-baby" to your wife." That made me laugh out loud!
A drastic error I made ( thank God only once,.... so far) was while watching a movie, I said "she's cute." I wish I could dawn my cape and fly around the globe really, really fast and roll back time
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LOL!!!! That is hilarious. Yeah man you can only think that. And when you think it you better think about super quietly!
Did you suavely cover it up with something like "But not as cute as you" or did you just fake a coma?
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Nope, I never recovered from that one. It happened early on in our marriage when I was way more stupid than I am now
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My Dad loved this one. He said you made him laugh out loud.
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Does your dad have an account yet? He seems to have excellent taste! And he seems to have raised a very talented daughter!
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Lol! A very funny read, and that Brokeback Mountain meme hahha!
By the way I have never seen that ad before and it's super weird!
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I am so sorry for exposing you to it. You can never unsee that!
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Ahahahahahahahaha
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Oh, and don't forget to add in "It's Peanut Butter Jelly Time!"
Source
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Yes!!!!
I love the family guy version of that. I will still break that one out sometimes.
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I still have second hand embarrassment from the time my boss asked a lady who came in when her baby was due. The baby was six months old. That was a sharp lesson let me tell you. Never ask "when are you due" if you don't know for 110% they are actually pregnant. And "are you pregnant" might just end with a slap in the face!
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Lol, you only get to escape those clutches once bud!
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LOL. Thanks for the warning!
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Haha wtf :D
That commercial is so wierd, funny stuff lol
The song is quite adictive, I see why you cant forget it.
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They clearly know what they are doing. I've been programmed!
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My husband is 40 and the other day he was grumbling and angry in the kitchen. I heard him opening and closing cabinets loudly. I asked him what was wrong and he said "I can't find my fruit roll-ups!" I had to ask him if was 10 years old lol. He's also excited they brought Zima back :).
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Oh man! I want to party with him!!!!
I did a whole post about Zima once. I have problems.
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'Sup!!
Hehe, we share equally cunning wives!! My wife has done similar to me. I have many a phrase which has come back to haunt me!
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Don't ask her. Don't ever ask her. It will open up a floodgate lol.
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I shan't. In fact from now on I will shun her just in case!
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I'm not into sports AT ALL, so I've never seen that ad. I couldn't tell you if it's annoying or not. :)
I'm a firm believer in there being no age limit for anything. Once you're grown up, it is your God-given right to say, do, wear, etc, anything you damn well please, as long as it doesn't hurt anyone else.
In fact, I became the "get off my lawn" lady last week when I opened my front door to put out some recycling, and found a kid of about eleven years old on his bike up by my bedroom window. I transformed into the "get off my lawn" lady with the words, "Dude! What are you doing in my yard?" Lol!
You're never too old for "dude," or anything else. :)
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Yeah! I like that attitude! Groovy!
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Say "Sup Dude?" to your wife LOL.
Your wife might reply "Saywhaa?"
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LOL. She would just shake her head at me. She does that a lot!
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I have missed your posts! Is it because I literally missed them, or has it just been a while?
Either way, I'm glad to see you're posting (again?)!
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I'm always here. I'm a n addict.
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I think past a certain point you can get away with stuff as they think your mind is going. I just don't feel as old as I am
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I think I am getting really close to that. Not sure if I'm excited or sad. LOL
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You could have a bobble head soon....
http://www.shoppersshop.com/puppymonkeybaby-from-mountain-dew-super-bowl-ad-is-now-52820161
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Even creepier! I can't wait to get one... or a dozen!
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Ok these phrases made my day srsly xD although you shouldn't care much on what you say if its for the fun..
Cheers xD
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Oh I pretty much don't care at all. LOL
My wife is a saint!
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hahhahahaah i con't control very funny @hansotfirst
welcome to my blog @farhannaqvi7
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puppy-monkey-baby is very popular
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big post and great advice
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so cool
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😂😂😂😂
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very funny!
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Nice post
Plz follow & upvote me I will do same for you .... @shaikrafiq
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man don't make those spamming comments because that's not gonna get you anything in return if you have appropriate words then go if not don't ask or force any body to give you anything that's not how it works this will get you banned sooner , hope you understand
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"I will have the Barcardi 151"- So true!
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Thanks for sharing. voted.
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Hahahaha
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Great post. If you like fresh funny daily MEME please visit my profile https://steemit.com/@cryptomonitor. Thank you
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LOl
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Hello! I just upvoted you! I help new Steemit members! Upvote this comment and follow me! i will upvote your future posts! To any other visitor, upvote this post also to receive free UpVotes from me! Happy SteemIt!
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lol, what are you doing buddy ! you think this will get you upvotes , absolutely not it would get you nothing but get flagged and eventually throw out of this platform , your reputation is good why do you wanna ruin it !!
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This man knows what he is talking about!
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Where did you find this idea?
Like Your Post
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Funny 😁
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Things a man should never say- "I do."
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Did you try the "Age is just a state of mind" or "you're only as old as you think you are" or "I'm young at heart, would you really want me to be otherwise?" Okay, the last one I added to, because that's my line, though not to my husband, to my daughter, ha! My husband and I are equally guilty of saying age inappropriate things. He definitely 'dude's' as much as The Dude, and I definitely 'sup people :)
And quoting my favorite commercial of all time realllyyy annoys my daughter:
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So fanny , enjoyed reading , thank you so much
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