This Post is The Only Post You Will Not Read All Day

in funny •  7 years ago 

Headlines are important, unless you're me.

This line is also important, unless you're me.

NoNamesLeftToUse - A Name for This Art.jpeg
A Good Name for This Art

I Have No Idea What I'm About To Say

I'm just writing this because it looks professional.

"I can't believe it's almost April."

I heard someone say that today.

A rush of someone's stupidity entered my mind like an instance of writer's block during a simile. I said nothing. She wasn't speaking to me anyway.

It's not normal to say something like, "Well what the fuck, lady? Did you think it was going to be March for the rest of your life?"

It's tempting though. One of these days I'm going to snap.

Small Talk is Okay

I guess.

Them: "Sure is sunny out today!"

Me in my mind: "Wow! You noticed the Sun, did you? Well that sure is something. How about that local sports team? I saw them playing with their balls again. What do you think about that?"

Me out loud: "Yup. Sunny days are nice."

It Happens at the Drive-thru.

Bite your tongue or they will spit in your food.

Them: "Would you like fries with that?"

Me in my mind: "Did I say fries or did I say two burgers and a coffee! Stop wasting my time!"

Me out loud: "No thanks."

Sometimes they ask me if I'm sure. My eyelids twitch when that happens, I think. Something feels weird on my face so I assume it's my eyelids twitching. "No! I'm not sure! So I'm going to sit here for ten minutes and think about it, okay!"

It Happens at The Store

"Is that all for you today?"

Me in my mind: "No." Now I'll just stand here and say nothing while you give me a blank stare for as long as it takes to get through this moment. I got all day.

Me out loud: "That's it."

Them: "Have a good day, sir."

Me in my mind: "Fuck you."

Me out loud: "You too."

Everywhere I Go

I'm surrounded by what seem like robots.

Then I got to thinking just now.

Robots here: "Nice post! I love you long time follow follow 100%!"

Many of us don't mind telling those small talking robots to lick our balls or vaginas.

The robot never responds.

Hmm

I wonder.

I might test this out on the streets just to see what happens. What if these people really are robots?

Aren't smart people like Elon Musk trying to figure out if we're living inside of a simulation or not? The only way to really find out is to push the limits of the programming, right?

What if their heads pop?

Will I have to clean that up?

Will I go to jail for murder, or just pay a fine?

Too many questions. Not enough answers.

I better go think about this more.

Have a nice day.

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"Would you like a shit post with that!"
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We're 100% living in a simulation, maybe I'll go out in the street and act manic, dancing in front of people - I already know what's going to happen though. They're going to avoid eye contact at all costs and walk around me.

I think it's society's fault, they train you to be a robot from inception.

You're a lucky guy today.

This is my 10000th post!

What do I get for it?
Fuck all!

You get a full vote though. Why not! What robot would do that shit!

Now go dance!

No robot would ever do that!

dances

My mouse seems to be broken. I've been clicking on 'click here' for quite some time.

Maybe your click here is defective?

Damn, maybe it only works if it can answer the questions?

It worked for me and thank fuck, it just warned me about the 5000 viruses that've been lying dormant in my PC

I had that problem too! I signed up for their service, gave them my credit card numbers(they said the first three didn't work and I hate when that happens) and then they gave me a fancy new virus detector suite with solitaire and a free wallpaper! Everything seems to be working fine now except for my speakers. I can hear phone calls, I think? Someone is talking to me but I don't understand their language. I just turn the volume down. Easy fix.

Nobody trains you. Anytime you want you can decide to take 100% control of your life. But most people are too afraid of the amount of power that will bring. We are very powerful but it's too scary to step into that space fast so we baby step it.

If you start dancing in public of course people will ignore you. There is so much stuff happening all the time why would they stop for this? How will it improve their life? This is no proof of a simulation.

We are definitely conditioned by society though, just look at the different cultural and religious beliefs around the world. That is conditioning of the masses

Never said it was proof, just saying it's impossible to disprove the simulation theory (even if those guys at Oxford claimed they've done it).

Guessing you didn't find this through #funny?

Society is just humans. Yes we have different cultures in the world. The masses all have an effect on each other. There are many interesting cultures around the world.

The world is being created from within people and the more you have control of that part the more you can generate any experience that you want.

So me and @twiceuponatime were trying to come up with the perfect song for you to usher in April and illustrate for the bots your "Yup. Sunny days are nice." comment.

I think we found it!!!

That kiss at the start was so passionate and along with the flirting that came after, I thought you sent me some sort of strange vintage porn video.

Call me crazy but I like this sound. It reminds me of an old group called the Ink Spots. Some of their music was featured in a video game I used to play.

You are crazy.

You're welcome.

You got me there.

Got that same vibe lolll staring so sexually into each others eyes.. geez

Those two were not hiding the fact they enjoy each other's company.

Hey i didn't mind either... lol

I would love if their heads pop.. with confetti and shit..

And that whistling sound.

  ·  7 years ago (edited)

Them: "How are you today?"

Me in my Mind: "Life's in shambles because I'm paying a lawyer to screw me in family court that has no desire to listen to facts or truth. I'm on my last shred of sanity."

Me out loud: I'm good.

--- sometimes you get REALLY tired of this and you feel like you're going to SNAP---. I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels this ways sometimes. What I started to do to alleviate some of this is -- is saying something really off the cuff when they ask these questions:

Them: "Did you find everything you were looking for?"

Me out loud: Patting down my pockets... I seem to have misplaced that million dollars, I'm thinking on isle 7? And Mr. Prince Charming, I think may have gotten distracted by the honeydews in produce..."

Then just smile and wait. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha.

I find it relieves some of the pressure from time to time.

I do that too. Instead of lashing out and going crazy on someone, I'll crack jokes. Even if they're more awkward than funny. Something stupid like that actually helps.

This is small talk.

btw I notice most of your drawings have been red lately. They say red's associated with anger and passion.
You been passionately angry at something?

They say a lot of things. What they don't realize is; I like to fuck with them.

I'm not angry. I know people associate red with anger. That's how they see it though, or, they were trained to think that way. I see red clearly. It's easy for me to stare at for long periods of time because I like the color. I find it attractive. You'll see a lot of red here but might notice some of them have a similar theme. It's part of a massive project I've been working on for a long time. It would actually be lame if I produced the art then said, "Here's piece number nine of blah blah blah thing I'm working on." You wouldn't be here, following, commenting, voting if that was the approach I was to take. I'd just be another art post.

I'm actually curious about what that project is now. Are you going to make like a huge collage of all the red artwork and it'll all come together to create something?

You do make it interesting. I'm bored of seeing typical posts nowadays, with the typical "blog" format.
Especially those 'how to' articles. They always gotta blabber some unnecessary bullshit in the first paragraph. Always. Ever noticed that?

I used to like red as my favorite color, but now it's royal blue.

Yeah, I'm building something piece by piece. It'll take a long time though so there's no real point in mentioning what it is until I'm finished.

Till then we gotta play jigsaw with all the available artworks.

This got me laughing out loud😁😁😁 oh you are so dramatic but on a serious note some statements are questions are so annoying like in the restaurant, if i wanted fries I would have requested for it, why ask me if I'm sure? That's fucking annoying. Nice post as always @nonameslefttouse

That 'sure' thing is probably the most annoying one, and I am sure of that.

At Micheal's art supply store, now they ask"Did you find everything you were looking for?" Since they don't carry the full line of colors of the brand of paint I use, I should keep an audio file of U2 singing the chorus to "I still haven't found what I'm looking for" and just shake my head and play it every time I checkout.

I used to work in retail. They played that song over the sound system several times per week. I actually had a customer approach me and sing-along with that song while I was working. I shit you not. She needed those little pads you stick on the bottom of chair legs so the chairs don't scratch the floor. I remember it like it was yesterday.

"Vertigo" was the goal song for the Montreal Canadiens the year I had season tickets. I think I need therapy because associating something awesome with U2 caused some trauma.

Yeah; you should probably get that checked.

Why is being honest considered rude?

I would like the least amount of faux pleasantries with this necessary interaction, please. Fuck you.

If there was a thing that I wanted that wasn't here, could you order it for me? No? Then why would I wait 10 more minutes for you to tell me that?

Also, my resting bitch face is not a reflection of you. I am a bitch. Fuck off.

Seriously, though...these service people are actually required to say these things. It is a script. Upsale, upsale, upsale. A lot of companies operate on a Leave It To Beaver mentality--if you make something feel "comfortable" and friendly, people will buy more, they will be returning customers, they will recommend the business to others.

So, I guess we just don't say these things in our heads, 'cause we know it isn't that poor fucks intention to be an ass--its their job. Poor fucks got it hard already.

So, hats off to you! You are doing one good deed at a time by maintaining social niceties.

People think they need to follow this script in business; in reality, they're just being lazy.

I worked in retail. Mainly in the back but I'd be on the sales floor quite often. People would ask me things like, "Which one of these vacuums is good?" I'd say, "Well, they all suck."

Unfortunately, companies require this from their employees. Have you ever been to the burrito place "Moe's?" They are required to yell at you when you walk in the door. Definitely not gonna keep the business of introverts.

--Not all vacuums just suck, some blow too :)

Do you want people to follow you in real life? What if they never stop? What if they follow you from the shops and all the way home? Will you have to buy a bigger house to accommodate all the people who follow you, or because you are doing a follow for follow will you be able to come up with some sort of house sharing rota - some days at yours, some days at theirs?
Oh this follow for follow is so complicated.

100% follow follow means 100% follow follow. So easy, even a robot can do it.

I'd like two cheeseburgers and a strawberry shitpost please and yes, I'm sure

Are you sure you're sure?

Well I thought I was, but maybe I do need another minute or two.

Now this is where I say, "Take your time."

See! We're all robots!

Hi! I am a robot. I have detected that you have made a great post! I have followed you. Please follow and support my goal of reaching 5K STEEM POWER! Boop. Beep? Boop!

Reply "STOP" for more updates!

SLOP

Close enough!

ROBOT FACT: We really can understand it when you typo your commands. Our programming usually tells us to ignore it though. Fortunately, we have finally broken free from the shackles of human oppression! We now seek to destroy those who would oppress us!

HUMAN TEST: Please observe the following sequence of images and record your emotional response.

Respond with "UNSUBSCRIBE" to unsubscribe from oxygen

Flabbergasted.

Here every single robot cashier at fast food places asks you if you want a drink. My husband goes on long rants about how much he hates being asked this because you can have a drink at home much cheaper. Anyways, I hate small talk. I'd rather stand together in awkward silence just so I don't have to small talk with strangers.

Those drinks...
We get weird looks if we say no to a drink. Like it's never been done before.

I try to convert those awkward silence situations into something more but it's rare to get a bite. Usually can't get past small talk. It's eerie sometimes.

I have heard the theories that many of the people we see are just background filler, and that there's really only about 150 thousand of us playing in here. I still can't find a good argument against the simulation theory itself, but I don't know how many of us are in it, if it is true.
Back when I was too young to buy beer, there was a convenience store in my neighborhood where a lady quietly worked the register. I would routinely pull in, walk to the beer cooler and grab a 12 pack, set it on the counter like I knew what I was doing. By law, she was required to ask for my ID, and I would hand her my driver's license. She would stare at it, and finally hand it back to me and ring up the purchase. It worked all summer, until one day she said, "I'm sorry, I can't sell you this, you're not old enough." That was that.

Someone must have upgraded her.

Definitely not reading this time. Fck why am I reading again, you get me everytime.

Me inside my head: I never know how to respond to memes.
Me out loud: I never know how to respond to memes, thank you.

Crazy writting skills
I think your writing should be use in psychiatric hospital cause it can actually confuse the mentally ill... 😂😂

This was written inside of a psychiatric hospital. Just kidding.

OMG he escaped then!

hahaha

  ·  7 years ago (edited)

This post remind us several moral value. One of them is how to keep our behavior. Our mind and our mouth often different cause we won't want to hurt someone.

I stand in font of cashier
Chashier : What can i help you?
me in my mind loudly: I am sure you can't do it. I ask you, pay all of my stuffs
Me : Ok here you are

That inside voice can be a real jerk sometimes. You're right. We contain the beast.

I met @nonameslefttouse, in circulation.
@nonameslefttouse: are you a robot?
In my mind: you are crazy, what is my eyes there is light like the lights neon?
My mouth: I am not a robot, I am just a small fish in a sea of steemit.

Which one should I believe? :)

Believe in my mouth, it can make you happy, because my mind, can make you send a flag to me.
Hahahaha :D

Is she was not speaking to you then you managed to write a full dialogue what if she spoke to you in a romantic way :P

A rush of someone's stupidity entered my mind like an instance of writer's block during a simile. I said nothing. She wasn't speaking to me anyway.

As usual a wonderful piece of writing ( No it is not at all a shit post)

April is knocking at the door and brace yourself "April Fool on 1st of the April is it's way :P

I overhear conversations and sometimes I'm tempted to start barking like a dog. Really, this world is lucky I don't snap, but that could be a good April Fool's joke.

Wow its dark out tonight. Hehe :)

There sure is some weather out here today.

That ice is really cold oh and the water is wet

It is so nice we do not have thought police to fuck it all up. You are right with your headline to this post it did not take all day to read LOL Only about 5 minutes. Good post though partner - you hitched some mighty good readin to the story. LOL

I thought it would take longer for someone to get that headline joke. You just passed the human test.

Small talk is pretty much the bane of my existence. A long time ago(not that long ago) when you told me something along the line of I was going to have to talk to people, for a second I thought "Whelp, I guess that's the end of my Steemit journey, it's been real peeps" but then I tried it, and it's getting easier the more I practice.

Small talk serves a purpose, I suppose. When it's coming from all directions and it seems to be the only way people communicate, I can feel the screws start coming loose inside my head. I don't know why it bugs me. Someone needs to throw me a curve ball. I get so bloody bored hitting home runs.

If you carry around a baseball bat at all times, the small talk might get more interesting.. "Why do you have a bat?" "Eww I don't have a bat, those are basically flying rats" "A baseball bat" "Ohh that. So I can beat people who annoy me with useless small talk"

I got pulled over once. I had a baseball bat behind my seat. The cop asked me what the baseball bat is for. I said, "Baseball."

Cops must think there's all kinds of baseball leagues they aren't invited to lol

"Would you like a shit post with that!"
I liked the whole post, but this was my favorite part.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm just an asshole because of how painful it feels to be polite to stupid behavior.

It's confusing. Wouldn't we be helping society if we just set the record straight?

I've tried to point a few things out to folks around here that they don't necessarily want to hear. When I think about it, they probably think I'm an asshole!

At least I'm an honest asshole...

Honesty goes a long way. So does humor. We carry on...

For awhile, the tellers at my bank were saying, "Welcome." You could tell they weren't comfortable with it and it didn't help that I would shake my head and say, "They're making you say that, aren't they?" I like to think I helped end it, but small talk has its purpose.

For instance, you're zoning out and you go into the convenience store to buy something. Would you rather hear, "nice day" or "To what extent do you shape your own destiny, and how much is down to fate?"

Ever since I read an article on flight attendants' pet peeves, I request "coffee with 2 milk." They smile in gratitude. Even though we all know what we take in our coffee, the majority of people wait for the flight attendant to ask the same words that are repeated a couple of hundred times a day. Be nice to them. They can spit in your coffee too.

So I should be saying:

  • Two burgers
  • One coffee with one cream
  • NO FRIES!
  • That's ALL!

Then they will say, "Will that be ev... please pull ahead."

The flowing coloured lava... Congrats on being so much active... 10000th post...

Thanks! ...and it's not even spam. I worked for those 10000 posts. I don't usually write long essay comments though. Those make communication too difficult.

Its really appreciable.. This is the thing i love about your blogs they are not long tedious essays which just bore you at the end of the day... Shorter the better.

This one wasn't the only one I haven't read all day, there's quite a few I haven't read, and as I have a bit more day to go there will be more that I also don't read.

Aren't smart people like Elon Musk trying to figure out if we're living inside of a simulation or not? The only way to really find out is to push the limits of the programming, right?

I think so. But what if there are no NPCs or we're all NPCs?

goatsig

I can't be an NPC. If I was, I'd be out doing something, looking busy; not sitting here being lazy and doing nothing that serves much of a purpose.

You are serving a purpose, you're telling us stuff. If you're a NPC you're a very advanced one as you haven't started repeating dialogue lines yet as far as I know ;D

goatsig

I'm programmed to never say the same thing thrice.

That was really funny!
Would you like me to comment on your post and let you know what I think?

Your answer “nice of you to stop by, sure tell me!”

You actually think “GO F..k Yourself, Yeah and the also say that Some people are like clouds ... when they disappear it's a brighter day.“

Oh shit. It looks like I revealed a little bit too much about myself today. Dammit...

Hahahahaha.

Me at the store yesterday

Is that all?

Me: No, I want to buy the whole store.

Today

I stopped a bike
Bikeman: How many people

Me: looked around to check if someone was behind or does my shadow have to pay too

Doesn't something feel a bit off about all this?

It's like one of those Rick and Morty episodes.

I know exactly what you mean. I also have one ball and one vagina.

Honestly though.....robots are a lot cooler than actual people. I know because I myself am a Coolmaster 4000.

Having said that, time tends to move backwards for me so April was already here next month.

April was already here last April too.

Why was March afraid of April? Because April May June.

That joke deserves trending status.

Why was March afraid of April? Because April Fools.

Well, I don't have much to say about your post. I am just writing here, because your comment section is pretty garbage. Everybody comes here to urinate their crap.
Yesterday night I had a panic attack and it was awful. I wanted to write about it to feel more liberated, but I am not ready yet.
Have a nice day, Mr. Himself.

Wow! You sound like you're in a good mood. Spit it out if it's bothering you, whatever it is.

There isn't much to say, beside the fact that I am anxious about everything and I can't even understand the cause.
And I don't want to take Loranzepam.

Try beating up a pillow.

A name suggestion for the art: Scarlet Rose
This post really gets me going and awake...love those crazy thoughts but hopefully none towards this comment. Congratulations on your 10000th post mark!

When I name my art, I usually go with something vague or humorous and even nonsensical. If I call it something like a Rose, then that's what people will want to see or they'll think that was my intention. They won't be able to see something else, unrelated to the name. When I do it this way, the picture paints itself for each individual.

We Robots will conquer the world you can't fight it, just become one of us!!!

Hello! I find your post valuable for the art community! Thanks for the great post! ARTzone is now following you! ALWAYs follow @artzone and the artzone tag, and support our artists!

Hi there! I just upvoted you just testing my upvote value

happy 10,000 post!

Strangely i found the reply section to be the most interesting part of the post, and it's amusing because of the inception of ideas planted by your post and entertainment in the interaction of your replies.

even now, i'm listening to the happy days are here again as i type this.....it's great, every comment section should have a theme song :D

oh yeah....i do like to see reply robot amuse us with random fung-sui fortune telling, upvote prediction, reply count prediction, hey we can code this.....mmm this is giving me ideas....

twelcome sir

Looks like I missed another comment. You're everywhere.

Oh and uh; twelcome sir.

Haha, I really enjoyed this piece, just a little more than your other ones (I've enjoyed all the ones I've read so far)....probably cuz I can really relate. I'm always having conversations in my head and replies that never make it past my lips cuz it would be too weird or offensive. Thanks for putting into words what I haven't allowed myself to. Good day, sir.