Sovereign Spirit
..One Woman's Path from Shameful Sheep to Spiritual Sovereignty
Chapter Five, Part One
The last half of my senior year in high school, a new wind blew, and life began to change.
One day I came home to find a bouquet of roses waiting for me on the kitchen table. Attached was a note, signed with a familiar name at the bottom. The blue eyed boy who, ten years earlier, sat behind me and got in trouble for telling me stories in our third grade class, finally expressed his more-than-just-friends interest in me. I wasn’t dating anyone at the time, and had always adored Steven. The timing seemed perfect.
Steven and I started spending more and more time together, and I soon realized he was very different from all the other boys I’d dated. He seemed far more interested in my mind than he was in my body and what I’d let him do or not do with it. It was refreshing and eye-opening. He taught me a new way to see, and helped me gain some of the self-respect I’d lost over the years. When he told me I was beautiful, it felt like he was looking inside my soul for the compliment. For the first time, I felt loved.
I also quickly found out that Steven was different in a religious sense. He was one of Jehovah’s Witnesses. Yep, the ones that come to your house and wake you up at nine o’clock on Saturday morning, ruining your one day to sleep in. The ones who the BEWARE OF THE DOG sign in your yard is specifically for. The ones you think you’re hiding from while you sneakily peek from behind your living room curtains until they leave. They can see you, by the way. They mark you on their records as “Home But Hiding.” You know, so Jehovah will know.
Yep. Those Jehovah’s Witnesses.
When word got around at school that Steven and I were spending a lot of time together, I started hearing a lot of, “…but you know he’s one of those Jehovah’s Witnesses don’t you? They’re not allowed to do anything, not even celebrate their own birthdays…”
In the beginning, I had no idea what a Jehovah’s Witness was or what they believed, and I didn’t care much because I was falling for Steven hard. He was different from anyone I’d ever been with before, and he brought out the best in me. He made me feel beautiful yet pure, safe in his arms, yet strong on my own two feet. Our feelings for each other intensified rapidly, and before long the glaring differences in our religious beliefs had to be addressed.
Steven and I began to discuss more and more about what we believed and why we were right according our differing versions of the Bible. Jehovah’s Witnesses have a version of the Bible that differs in many key ways in comparison with the standard King James or New International version most churches use. These differences make up many of the contrasts between Christian and Jehovah’s Witness doctrine.
On a few occasions we tried to discuss the differences, each of us wanting to convince the other we were right without causing any pain to the other. The more I saw how strongly Steven believed in the things his religion taught, the more I grew terrified that Steven would never change his mind. I had no idea about the intensity of the religion he had been raised in, and no idea of the kind of entrenched belief system I was dealing with. I was not only afraid that this would ruin our relationship, but that Steven would one day end up in Hell while I enjoyed Heaven. I imagined him in the horrific Hell scenes I’d witnessed at Judgement House a few years earlier, and every inch of my body ached with fear for his future. Our Bible debates were generally cut short because in my fear, I would become too emotional to have a rational discussion. Steven didn’t know how to handle seeing me so upset, and wouldn’t let the conversation go further.
By the time graduation rolled around, gut-wrenching heartache permeated every moment for me. I’d fallen hopelessly in love with Steven, despite our religious differences. My mom was most unhappy to see this, wildly disappointed with my decision to date a member of a “cult.” As for Steven’s family, he had to lie, denying he had anything to do with me. For Jehovah’s Witnesses, dating a person outside of their religion is strictly warned against. He risked getting into trouble with the elders of his congregation, losing privileges in his congregation and at home, getting publicly reproved, or even getting disfellowshipped, which means congregation and familial shunning for Jehovah’s Witnesses. Officially, to the outside world, we could not be together. In our hearts, and in secret, we were bound with something even we couldn’t explain.
With summer vacation just a few days away, and moving away for college mere months down the road, we both knew our relationship would become very difficult. We also wanted to do what was right, with respect to our individual religions, which, for both of us, meant not being with the other. We both battled with guilt because both our Bibles and our religious leaders told us we shouldn’t be “unequally yoked.” But our love had grown too strong. Completely letting go wasn’t an option, but we had to loosen our grip on each other for a while so we could figure this religion thing out.
Our communication that summer was scant. Steven’s cell phone was checked regularly by his parents to make sure my number wasn’t called, as was the mileage on his car to make sure he only drove straight to work and straight home, never making any side stops at my house. I survived by relying on his occasional late night phone calls from the ice rink where he worked, a few random emails, and, once or twice, a letter with a small gift left on the hood of my car.
I lived for those brief moments of rushed and fearful interaction that summer. The days were hot and long, and the pain of not knowing if we would be able to be together made my heart sick. I lost a lot of weight those few months, and wrote a lot of poetry.
Eventually, it was found out that Steven and I were still in contact with one another, and he had to move out of his parents house. He moved in with his grandmother who was even more zealous about her religion, but more sympathetic towards Steven.
About halfway through the summer, a woman came to my house one afternoon. Her name was Anna, and she told me that her family was friends with Steven’s family, and she had heard about our situation. She said she’d been told that I might like to learn a little bit more about what Jehovah’s Witnesses believed, and she offered to help me with that.
Seeing this as the perfect opportunity to learn exactly what Jehovah’s Witnesses believed and why so that I could prove them wrong with my own theology, I readily accepted her invitation. I would learn to disprove Jehovah’s Witness doctrine, show Steven the truths of Christianity, win him over to Jesus and help him get saved, and then …
Then, we could finally be together.