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Existential crisis, that’s who!

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Sometimes I handle frustration extremely poorly. When that feeling gets under my skin I have a tendency act like a 4year old. I just want to scream and shout until the feeling fades. Yesterday I had one of those tantrums. Sorry people who had to suffer from that… I really hate when that happens, but I also know that it is perfectly normal have a bad day every once and a while. I’ve ranted about my frustration previously too, so not actual news here.

I don’t know is it the fact I’ve stayed in same place longer than my usual limit is or is it because of holiday hangover or both? But frustration has caught me more than once this week, and it is only Saturday! My allergy for stupidity is more sensitive than for a long time,I just can’t stand it at all. Sometimes I have trouble to tone it down and my eyes just roll before I can stop myself.

Yesterday that feeling caught me, badly. The anxiety actually made me feel physically sick, the feeling comes without notice and it hits me like a bitch slap in the face. Accusations like ”Why don’t you know what you are doing? Why are you still there? Why do you waste your time?” Rises in my mind and hunts me. I like to have logic in my decision making so just the feeling isn’t enough for the change making. Tho, I’m sure that I know the logic behind my acting up too.

K.O.

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Personal frustration for me is something like killer strike in game. After I get this frustrated I can’t gather my shit together anymore. I know that I have to move on but to what direction? The frustration comes from the fact that something is taking more from me than giving back. The world is a one big trade-off. There need to be balance in order to work out. For some time the place I call work has taken more from me than it has given back. I was secretly hoping that changes would ease the pain but that never happened. I’ve lost my mojo!

What are the options in here? Besides the classic ”move on”?

I just could suck it up. That doesn’t sound like me at all. I don’t cope. That is just something I’m really bad at. There is two gears, full force ahead and still. Nothing between. Now the frustration has shut my brain down. I have no creative thoughts what so ever and that increases the frustration even more. Because I used to consider my self as a creative person, and now, I feel dumb. Just dumb. Like I have nothing to say, and nothing to give.

And when you add that sweet holiday hangover to this general feeling, the best option there is just smash your head on a wall until you knock your self out. What a lovely thought!

But for now, i choose coping. My head hurts enough even if i wouldn't smash it repeatedly on a wall. But as said. I need to figure this one out.

What is the next direction?

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