How would you describe your self-image?
When you look at yourself in the mirror, do you see an image of someone kind, loving, and caring? Or do you see something else? Something mean, critical, or judgmental?
I bet most of us look at our selves with the latter. We tend to be harsh to ourselves. We expect others to be tough on us, but we expect to be the most gentle, kindest, and supportive to ourselves.
Unfortunately, this doesn't actually happen. We tend to treat ourselves much worse than anyone else does.
This starts early on. We pick up our mother's (or father's) unkind words about themselves as children. We then internalize these views as our own, and they become part of who we think we are.
We then go on to repeat these behaviors with our partners, family, friends, and colleagues. And by doing so, we make it impossible for ourselves to grow and change.
This is a vicious cycle, because our self-image becomes stuck in place, and it only gets worse over time.
Fortunately, this isn't necessary. We can change it. We can become compassionate towards ourselves, and we can start treating ourselves with kindness and understanding.
How do we do this?
There are two ways:
- Cultivate Kindness Towards Yourself
Cultivating kindness towards yourself is like growing a garden. The first step is to start with the soil. The second step is to plant the seeds. The third step is to water the soil.
Let's start with cultivating kindness towards yourself. The first thing we need to do is notice when we are feeling kind towards ourselves. The next step is to appreciate those moments. Finally, we need to let them grow and develop into something more.
Start to notice the moments when you feel kindly towards yourself. They may come in the form of:
Having a smile on your face
Noticing how pretty you are
Knowing you can be strong
Noticing that you have improved
Notice these things and give yourself a pat on the back for them.
After a while, you'll start to feel kind towards yourself more often.
- Accept and Understand What Others See In You
The second way is to accept and understand what others see in you. This is different from simply accepting or ignoring what they say. Instead, we must understand what they mean.
The key here is to focus on all aspects of you. We cannot judge ourselves based on what other people see. For example, if you have gained weight, we don't say: "Wow, I'm a terrible person because I gained weight."
We instead say: "Oh, I'm so happy that I can wear some of my favorite clothes again. I love how they fit. I hope my new jeans are flattering."
If someone judges you for something, they are judging you for all of the good things that you have done in your life, too.