My Little Angel

Part One: That Sinking Feeling

In September of 2010, both my fiancé and I had the toughest time in our life. Having a four year old daughter, living together, and making it work. Finally we were ready to try for another baby. It was pretty easy for me to get pregnant, and we were all super excited on the day we found out. My pregnancy was simply amazing, I was not sick often, my energy level was the same as anyone’s would be during the stages of pregnancy. 

At six months pregnant, I started getting a sharp, stabbing pain under my left rib cage. Many doctor visits, and ultrasounds later, they found nothing wrong. The baby’s heartbeat, movement, and growth was right where it should be. I let it go, made myself rest, and moved on as any pregnant women would do. 

One morning, I woke up feeling great. With lots of energy, and motivation to start getting the babies clothes all together, organizing the closets, and decorating. I did not do any heavy lifting, and ate and drank like I should have. Toward the evening around 4 pm, I noticed that I was getting tired, and hadn’t felt much movement. I decided to get my daughter fed, ready for bed, and get myself ready as well. I took a shower, laid down in my bed, and started to rub my belly. That’s when it hit me, I hadn’t felt her move that much. 

I called my fiancé at work, telling him my activity and explaining that she wasn’t moving. I shook my belly, rubbed it, drank some tea, and did whatever I could to get my baby to move. He said “everything is okay babe, I’ll be home shortly”. She always seemed to start wiggling around, doing flips just like a normal healthy baby would whenever he touched my belly. As he laid next to me, he was rubbing, poking, do whatever he could to get her to move. At that point I knew for sure that she was moving. I just thought that she was just bigger now, and had less room to move. I finally let out a deep breath and fell asleep.

My fiancé left for work the next morning, and I got my daughter ready, and called my mom explaining to her what was going on. I then got a super bad gut feeling, and called my doctor’s office. They got me in for an appointment right away, that’s when I got into panic mode. I dropped my daughter off with my grandmother, called my fiancé and told him that I was heading to the doctors. 

The short drive to the doctor’s office, felt like forever. Driving, with the windows down, the sunshine in my face, I had to come to terms with the possibilities. But what were the possibilities? Was she gone? Is she sick? Am I going to have to deliver her early? You can imagine the constant horrifying thoughts that would go through your head. 

In the waiting room, trying to keep calm, closing my eyes, taking deep breaths, with the constant repeat of “everything is going to be fine”. Happy pregnant mothers walking in and out of the doctor’s office and theirs me, sitting here, and thinking about the worst to come. What was going to be the result?

It wasn’t the nurse or anyone but an OB that called me into the office. ‘Wow that is weird, an OB, not a nurse’. Thumping heart, sweating, eyes filling up with tears, feeling sick to my stomach; somehow I got the courage to walk into the room. I explained to my doctors what was going on, how I have been feeling. She said “let’s take a listen”. She began by touching my stomach, feeling around, still no movement. It took her about 15 minutes of moving the Doppler around my huge belly. The sound of the heart beating through the handheld speaker was just mine, how frustrating. To myself I took deep breaths to calm my heart in hopes that maybe she would find my baby heartbeat, and not mine. 

Then the heart wrenching feeling of her cold hand met my hand, with a squeeze, and her eyes met mine. My heart sank, my breath was gone, and the tears began to run down my face. Everything went to a blur, and the repeating of “please, no” as my tears filled up in my hands. I collapsed onto the floor, I couldn’t fathom the thought that my baby died inside of my belly. She then wrapped her arms around my neck holding me against her chest, the sounds of her racing heart reminding me of the sound of my baby’s heart during prenatal visits. 

She strongly suggested that I get an ultrasound, the baby could be in a weird position in which she could not hear the heartbeat. At the moment, I had to walk out of the room, face all the pregnant women, the receptionist, and all the other midwifes there. I was quite bummed that my midwife was not in that day. I found the courage to call my fiancé at work, trying to get him to understand what I am talking about, I finally stopped took a moment and said, “There’s no heartbeat”. Knowing my mother, and fiancé were on the way to the hospital they sent me down to the ultrasound tech. At that moment, I knew the end result. I knew that she was gone. What I thought was most interesting was that my sweat little girl was facing my spine, by which there was no possible way that I could see her face in the ultrasound. I was right, no heartbeat. At this point, I just wanted my fiancé to hold me, I wanted to comfort him just as much as he wanted to comfort me. 

I will try to post the rest of the story later this week. I don't feel like telling the rest of the story right now, sorry. Please comment, and no negativity please. Have a good night.

Loralee

^{All images were taken by me or with my camera, and I retain the rights to all images within this document.}