Thursdays With Uncle Boom #64

It was early evening and I was relaxing in my study with my good friend Giles, a fine fellow despite having a face like a cod's ankle. We were onto our second bottle of Whisky when the doorbell rang.

Who in the devil's name could that be? Liselle!! Liselle!

I called out to my tardy maid Liselle, she had been feeling poorly of late so I had made her work extra hours as a punishment.

She pushed open the door to my study.

Milord, its some young fellow in fancy dress. For Haloween, do you have any treats for him?

I stared at her in some astonishment.

Treats? Treats? I can stick a shoe up his arse and invite an old woman to live in it. How's that for a treat?

Liselle looked pale and not at my threats of shoe'ing some young peon. No doubt she was remembering the first time I stuck a foot up her arse.

She put a hand to her brow and quite suddenly dropped to the floor in a dead faint.

Oh for fuck sake.

I sighed. I went over to the door of the study and gave her the quick once over. Still alive. Oh well. I gave her a shake but she didn't wake.

Oh for fuck sake.

I sighed again.

I dragged her out of the study door and into the hall and propped her up against the coat rack. That would keep her out of the way nicely.

As I raised my pipe for a puff of Maiden's Winnet, a fine baccy I had picked up in the Belgiques, I noticed that the front door was open and what looked to be a very small vampire was standing there watching me. In one of his very small hands was clutched an orange plastic bucket in the shape of a pumpkin. Quite an odd accoutrement for a small undead creature of the night.

You, fucknut. What are you up to?

I barked.

The little vampire shook its bucket at me with a pathetically tinny rattle.

Trick or treat?

It said, somewhat hopefully.

What? Seriously?

I stalked over to the open door. Upon closer inspection, I saw that the creature was not a vampire as I had first suspected. Just a young boy dressed in some tawdry vampire outfit.

Ah, this must be the young vagabond that had sent my dear Liselle into quite the faint.

I gave him a menacing growl.

He laughed nervously and shook his bucket again.

Trick or...

Trick? Trick? How about you crawl back up into your mother's vagina and see if you can find a bit of old placenta to gnaw on, eh? That would be a fine trick. Be off with you, vagabond.

The boy's face shifted from hopeful to defiant like the last lobster in a restaurant tank.

But it's Haloween, you're meant to have sweets or I will play a trick on you?

Oh really, and pray tell young spudger. What kind of trick would a spotty faced weevil like you play on a man such as me?

He paused to think, his face screwed up in concentration as if he was a Zebra playing the accordion.

I could do a shit and put it through your letter-box?

I raised an eyebrow.

Oh, could you now...

I reached into my inside pocket. He watched entranced as I slowly pulled my hand back out. In it was a twenty-pound note.

Here, take this and fuck off.

His eyes lit up like a burning cinema.

Thanks Mister!

He grabbed the note and scarpered off down the driveway.

I chuckled softly to myself. Cheeky young peon. I headed back into the house where I could hear Giles shouting that there was a Whisky with my name on it.

I wondered if I should tell him of my random Haloween kindness.

Perhaps not, after all...