Turbulent Thoughts and other misshapen things

( Drawing by my best friend Karla/Hyeonji)

Hi there, steemverse. I've been in a shitty mood so I'm going to just type what comes to mind like an open journal. I deal with recurring negative thoughts when I slip on self care and mindfulness which happens when I pretend I can shove my needs aside without consequence. Today I was able to practice some self care which was me taking a bath for possibly hours. I wasn't keeping track of time but I barked at my ex before hand...then just kind of burried myself in guilt for being so weak. Anyways, here's my thoughts. I'll leave it here and not take these thoughts with me any longer. What's done is done and tomorrow is a new day...

Even after years without you, some days felt like you were just on deployment
And I was still waiting for our family to be complete. But I was already in several pieces before we even started separating. You got scared of my mental state so now we're dearly departed. Coping the only way I could. "You're dead to me." Comes to mind. Pretending you died out there was easier to believe than "I'm dead to you" Which was equally true. I was left to figure out Parenthood on my own. Turns out launching jets wasn't the only thing you were doing out there was it? You launched a new family, pretending ours never existed. You kept trying to erase me and take our son as if I wasn't here. We've grown. This heart wouldn't let me keep him from you. I gave you a chance to meet your mini me while I sort out some things. Never knew depression would set in. Absent minded promises to someone new. As if piling on more feelings on top of old ones would make something new. Stacking problems like big kids do. Then I grew and found a new view. You're calmer now, usually I am too. I'm still recovering and that's the saddest thought. Knowing the way out and choosing to live instead... easier said than done until my children's bright smiles light up the room. Getting rid of this mental gloom. Even in survival mode I will always find a way to smile. All is fair in love and war so I never forget to close the door now. My mind, my heart has been invaded and ransacked for far too long. Men have come with their misshapen keys and a back up hammer until any time my heart skips a beat my words stammer like broken records on repeat. How about I'm enough for me?! I'm enough without questioning. I'm not these shitty feelings, I'm quite the opposite until I backtrack, slip and fall into it. There's nothing to it so I stand back up. Fall down seven times so I stand up eight. Namaste that way.