“I am ideal.” This word first came up in my law lectures at university. Integral part; part of a whole. I enjoyed it so much I incorporated it to my vocabulary.
I've been looking at the synonyms for this deep word that we may apply in numerous locations. What are my Integral parts? What did I leave behind as my inseparable parts, what did I travel without?
Many people that I consider inseparable and part of me have departed my life for various reasons. Or maybe each part has gone its own way, who knows?
Of course, these intertwined aspects of me weren't only for them. My favourite items also had the obligation of being a part of me, and far more meaning than "simply an item". “How can I live without him? Many of my items have been freed from their confinement in my house, even though I can't use them.
Besides, I've enjoyed giving them to others, forgetting what they mean to me, and making them more useful.
I'm glad. I got lighter as I donated more. Why did I add so much meaning? It's only a tool I brought into my life for my own purposes and will go when its function is completed. Wasn't it cruel to him to ascribe greater meaning than mere existence?
I've been saying for a long time in my writings that I'm tired of "giving more value and purpose to people and things" and that I've reached a dead end. I've known for a long time that I couldn't fight it alone, and I've had tremendous therapeutic support. It was great! Why didn't I do it sooner?
I had taken lovely turns and seen gorgeous scenery on my lonesome, but with a companion, the experience was considerably richer. We took a break under my favourite tree and talked about the scenery. To perceive some "landscapes" from the "proper perspective", I learned to look at them from a different angle.
For example, these sessions helped me identify the core need driving my desire to help others. I had to flee to hush my inner voice. More significantly, "others" didn't have to worry about stealing it from me because I created and met the demand. Then everyone and everything became a part of me, without their permission.
My life became more meaningful when I began to listen to myself and be my best friend.
Self-care led to compassion. I understood I shouldn't blame myself for everything. And I was always burying my own best intentions. I listed them. That's two pages!
I later learnt that saying no to people is not so bad. Making others happy has been replaced by making myself happy first, then making others happy. I learned that when I am happy, folks around me are happy too.
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I emphasised that happiness, like other feelings, is temporary, and that everything is about us, even if we are sad.
As I prioritised, I watched joy and surrender replace my worries. As my energy returned, I wondered how I would climb out of this bottomless pit, and suddenly I found myself enthusiastically driving each step of the ladder. From that abysmal abyss, I looked up and saw a sunny day.
My sessions have already surpassed all else I've done for myself. I guess I still have a ways to go, but I'm proud of myself for getting this far.