Straight down the line

Are you honest with yourself?

I ask myself this question often enough, especially when I feel strongly about something. I do this as it tends to temper my emotions and forces me to take a step back and investigate why I feel it so heavily. What I often find is that something either threatens my position or, supports it. I have agendas, just like everyone else in this world.

What I also find though is that there is often a conflict between my emotional reaction in the moment and my long-term goals. Goals is actually the wrong word as other than care well and provide for my daughter, there are no milestone points. It is more that I have directions I would like to go in as I see there is personal value for me and quite possibly, for those I encounter along the way.

But, these emotional conflicts often steer me off course, nudge me slightly left or right but rarely in a better direction. When I am frustrated or depressed, as I have the tendency to be from time to time, unless I take catch the emotion and pull it backwards, I am likely to do or say something that I would later regret. For some, they see the holding back of emotion as inauthentic, I see emotion outbursts as inauthentic.

Rarely do they present me as me, rather they present a conflicted and confused me in the moment that has no place to speak for my future position, as it is insensitive to it and those it leaves in its wake. It is a shot of chemicals that crave the pleasure of release without considering the harm they will cause. People talk of violence, this is a violent act when my emotional outbursts are targeted at someone, even if they 'deserve' it. That cocktail of chemicals is not me, it is a reaction from me.

The real me, I am yet to fully meet as to do so I must see past the emotional layers, the psychological boundaries and all of the various agendas I have to make sure that they are not blinding me from seeing myself. I must remove the things that are not me in order to do this, and there is a lot to ship away. This is where the honesty question comes in.

Do I agree or disagree because the information is incorrect or is it because it threatens my own expectations of the way things ought to be? It isn't until I can answer that, that I am able to actually consider the question at all. Once I know whether my agendas are trying to manipulate me into supporting them, I can put them aside and have a chance to be more objective with what has been laid in front of me.

Each day I try to provide my best to the world and each day I fall somewhat short. Sometimes my inability to move in the directions I would like weighs on my mind, sometimes my failure to provide what I need to does also. There are so many pressures that life provides that it is near impossible to not react to some of them and often, those reactions are uncontrolled and explosive acts that set off chain reactions. But, this is no excuse, the responsibility is mine.

I think I will spend some time thinking publicly again as it provides me the space to step away. Often after the fact but sometimes, it prevents a future event and helps we catch and observe an emotion before it has the chance to bite. I hope that it will also provide others some space to think also, regardless of whether they agree or disagree.

Feel free to comment below or if it inspires a post of your own, tag me somewhere in it so I can see what kind of knock-on effect my thoughts may have on yours.

Taraz
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