The truth about depression that society will not tell you: How I got free using MDMA.

in psychology •  8 years ago  (edited)

I know from my own experience with suicidality, depression, self-harm and anxiety what lies underneath this so called 'illness'.

I understand, however, that when I tell you what lies beneath, it will be a very difficult thing to hear. Some of you will probably want to attack me for this. Others will be curious, and a few — the ones I've written this post for — will hear me.

The medical community is mostly in denial on this topic. There seems to be an assumption that the biochemical state of the brain is the cause of depression. In other words: That the brain is like a malfunctioning car engine and can be 'repaired' by adding a suitable chemical here or there. Hence, we get the horror of 'anti-depressants', which are actually designed to push-down (depress) emerging memories and feelings.

So that overwhelming trauma does not destroy the organism, the post-traumatic brain down-regulates certain neurotransmitters to wall-off sections of the mind. This is similar to the way in which sections in a ship may be sealed off if a certain part of the ship floods. This chemical mediation is felt as depression. You can learn more about this in the book, MDMA Solo, available for free, here: http://www.castaliafoundation.com/

A lot of doctors think the depression is an illness. This is madness. Depression is a symptom of depressed trauma.

Depression is, literally, defined in the dictionary as pushing something down. And what are many of us pushing down?

Memories of childhood.

Here is a video of me giving a talk in Prague about how I found my way back home using MDMA to access these deeper states:

Childhood contains the formative experiences that can predetermine an entire lifetime. It is, in our society, utterly taboo to remember your childhood. We even accept that most of us have childhood amnesia. Many of us tell ourselves stories of a childhood we never had (I know I did). But this is a total fraud.

And the fraud underpins so many of our global problems.

The reason we do not remember childhood clearly is exactly the the reason that depression is destroying us as a civilisation. It is the reason why a child can scream in the street and the assumption is that the child is causing trouble, not that the adult is hurting them.

The sad truth is, many of us were hurt as children. Most of us have forgotten.

Often, in society, we do not hear children's emotions; and we do not hear our own.

To depress. To push down.

To repress.

In short, many of us are 'depressed' so the rest of society can pretend it is 'healthy'.

Freud identified this over a hundred years ago. His remarkable paper, The Aetiology of Hysteria describes the situation in astonishing detail and clarity.

When Freud presented this paper in 1896, Viennese society told him to keep quiet on the topic of childhood abuse, or they would destroy his career.

Freud retreated.

Today the paper is extraordinary to read because it demonstrates 3 things:

  1. Freud's astonishing genius in identifying the fundamental cause of most mental illness. His paper is in line with the most cutting-edge trauma theories of today.

  2. Society's complete inability to face and accept what they were doing. They attacked Freud instead of seeking his help.

  3. Freud's decision to back down — to depress himself — in the face of this societal pressure.

In short, the same dynamic that shut Freud down, is the dynamic that perpetuated abuse in the family systems he was decrying.

Freud gave us a vivid, external demonstration of the internal structure of the depressive landscape in our heads. Freud faced the same rebuke that the abused child does: The child aspect attempts to speak out, the 'adult' aspect pushes this information away.

In the heads of all the people in Vienna, a jailer kept each person's inner-child locked up (depressed). Freud tried to open the door, and all the internal-jailers in 'Vienna' simultaneously shouted: No way!

This post is a message for those of you who want a way out and are not afraid of cause and effect. It's not a message for people whose inner children are still jailed up and want to 'Freud' me. I know you well, Vienna!

As Issac Newton observed: For every action; there is an equal and opposite reaction.
So: What was the cause of your affect?

It must have been substantial if your depression is substantial. Find out what the cause is, feel it fully, mourn it, and you are free.

If you feel scared, alone, suicidal, confused. Know that I have been there too. I've stood with pills in my hands staring into the darkness. I just never really knew why I did it until I met myself. The part of myself I pushed away.

Or, more accurately, until I met the scared, abandoned child in the heart of me.

I lost him for years under 'careers', 'success' and all the other societal bullshit that conceals the fundamental split in nature that runs from the oil fields to our bedrooms.

Used with the right intention, in a safe setting, pure MDMA allowed me to remember the thing I'd been running from my whole life: Myself.

Depression? Totally gone. Sucidality? Totally gone. Anxiety? I have the opposite now. I often step in to defend kids on the street. I speak my mind when I see someone being hurt. There is no hesitation. I am alive again.

I make art. I compose music: https://soundcloud.com/phoenixkaspian

Thank you to my friends, Timothy Leary; Rosemary Woodruff; Alice Miller; Freud; Stanislav Grof and too many others to mention.

Good luck.

This is me as a kid:

Note: I cross-posted this on Reddit because they were part of a community that helped me through this. But I wrote it for you on Steemit, because you represent the future. That was my last full Reddit post, although I will refer a few good people here as I transition. Welcome to the future. I'm glad to be with you.

Edit: My cross-post on Reddit has now been censored (deleted by mods). I guess that's the final goodbye :) Glad to be on Steemit now.

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A lot of what you have written makes sense to me. I think there are many causes and triggers of depression.....no doubt childhood trauma is one which is horrifically prevalent and hidden to a great extent. All this needs to be out in the open with support and discussion and we need to find ways to learn from and protect our children. Great post, thank you for sharing it.

Thanks benjojo!

I think you're right, depression can have different causes throughout life. My feeling is that what is diagnosed as clinical depression, and includes suicide ideation or self-harm, has compound causes that lead back to early trauma(s). In other words, the childhood mistreatment led to belief systems that led to compound trauma. Everything from subsequent failed relationships (re-enactments) to a job a person hates (unconscious re-creation of the family home). Although these additional factors feed the depressive state, the root of it lies somewhere long ago. And, I feel, the way out is to trace the power cable back to where it was first plugged in.

Thanks for reading and your wise thoughts.

very true :smile:

Here is an example of the memory pit and how it is active part of us, not a passive piece.

Now, I have a very good memory. Pretty close to photographic.
About the time of my mother's death, I had a long talk with my sister. My sister told me of mental/emotional manipulations that mother did to her. I remember being very angry, so angry that if my mother was still there, I may have taken a baseball bat to her (normally I save spiders).

Today, I remember the about the anger and about the conversation, but I do not remember the conversation. Its like the whole thing was pulled into a tar pit. It is gone.

Just like so many little pieces of my childhood.


The lowest emotional state is apathy.
Up from there you have to travel through anger and vengence.

And since we do not like people in anger and vengence, well, because they are often violent, we drug them back down into apathy, where the only person they will hurt is themselves.

Antidepressents are actually depressents. They put you down to the lowest emotion. Not only is the "modern" medical/psychological profession only about drugging people, but its effect is the exact opposite of what they say is their goal.

Yes, exactly this!

Anti-depressants are re-repressants / depressants. The objective of much of the medical community is to create the illusion that society is not sick, by nominating the victims of society as 'mentally ill'. I even wonder if many doctors become doctors to avoid being mistaken for the patient.

You have made some incredibly astute observations. Thank you for reading, and for your thoughts.

What a powerful post to come across, wow! Thank you so very much for having the courage to share such an intimate part of yourself with us as well as informing us on a matter that is, as you said so very clearly taboo!

I have also observed a wider and deeper range of people dealing with childhood amnesia... Far from being my case, I often find myself reflecting on the nature of my childhood in relation tot he children and adults I come across and discuss with. I'd actually be very curious to see the results of a study that reflects this matter. I have the strong contention that it would be a striking study with results reverberating throughout our culture like a huge bolder launched into a deeply calm lake...

Though i don't believe that our childhood fully predetermines the outcomes of what we are going to become as an adult, I can only say that it sure has a strong impact and, as we grow older, the opportunities for one to either outgrow or change the results of our upbringing takes both a lot of courage and clarity, as to where we come from. I can almost hear Bob Marley interjecting No one but ourselves can free our mind!" Delving in the realm of our own mind definitely gives us loads of doors to open and explore giving us more and more abilities, literally transforming us from the inside out leaving behind many facets of our childhood self. Yet, building oneself into a very different adult that ever has the opportunity to change and even grow if we want.

The following reflection you made is something I can't "unforget" and it seems to be blinking in my mind most days: "The cost of this forgetting for the sake of preserving the illusion of a 'healthy' society is depression." I am hyperaware of this fact. so much so that when I came across Krishnamurti's quote on a sticker this summer I couldn't pass and bought it:

"It is no measure of good health to be well adjusted to a sick society."

I have been working in primary and elementary school for over 20 years now and can definitely see this fact every day as it is being passed down form parents to child as well as from our society to our children... I'm so happy to read that you have been able to muster the courage to go within and had had the support as well as the opportunity to be blessed in such a way.

Welcome to the future as you said so well! Thanks again for this post. All for one and one for all! Namaste :)

Thanks @eric-boucher, for your beautiful words, as always.

Yes, I think once we reach adulthood, nobody can free us except ourselves. Bob Marley was right.

Welcome to the future too!

Thanks for the kind words, namaste :)

  ·  8 years ago (edited)

I watched your video to the last minute, really i don't have much to say other thatn i rspect that you fought Depression, Sucidality and Anxiety bravely and i admire that.
I remember your first blog about your story with some painting and some pictures, it was a great honest introduction blog.
following you @matrajoschka.

Thanks for watching @araki!

I hope the video connects with other survivors.

Thanks also for following. Have a peaceful day!

SO cool, this kid is very cute, I love it

Thanks. He's me :)

If I may ask @matrjoschka, what happened to cause you to believe that your childhood had come to an end, and that you are now something else (man, adult)?

Great question! Well, I guess society happened to me.
But I'm getting out.
I see myself as a man who is childish.
And I view aspiration to childishness as the highest aspiration a person can have.
Children are alive, bright, curious, loving and connected.
Being 'adultish' is the thing to fear :)
Most people are so adultish.

How do you feel about it?

There is more than I could say in a comment as this is a subject I've considered for many years, and know people who presently contend with depression. Perhaps I'll make a post about it.

I will say that I do agree that being a child is the way to go.

Well written and an important message in general. I'm sure you don't mean "this is the only way out" when you say, "This is your way out too." For me, it was meditation. Obviously, MDMA can be enormously beneficial but is not necessary to overcome depression. The world would be a better place if it were prescribed instead of SSRIs.

Thanks for reading; and good points.

It's not the only way out. Meditation has helped me a lot too.

However, in the case of my experience (and that of several friends), I don't feel meditation would have been enough to break through the walls we'd build around our pasts.

I think meditation will keep me on the path towards greater freedom. And I think it can help many people. It can even enhance an MDMA therapy session to know basic meditative technique.

However, for me, meditation had its limits in terms of revealing and healing the depth of trauma I've encountered in myself and others.

On the other hand, I feel like MDMA, and ayahuasca, actually taught me meditation. Because often there was no way out of an amplified thought pattern than to observe it from a new perspective. To feel it without being it. To breathe and wait.

I think these disciplines are entwined and a combination therapy could be the fastest way home :) Meditation combined with low-dose LSD is another amazing combination for trauma therapy.

Absolutely! Everyone's experience is slightly different. I was never suicidal, so obviously I was going to try meditation before psychedelics or mdma, and it worked way better than I could've imagined. Actually, it was because of meditation that got me interested in trying psychedelics, lol. Kind of the reverse of your experience. When these disciplines are entwined, can't describe it other than 'shit gets real.'

Man, you have to be careful about the drugs used. This is a picture if a brain after ecstasy use.

Often, in cases of extreme depression, suicide is the outcome. Even if it's true that pure mdma damages the brain, taking that risk is worth it if the possible outcome is total remission. Also, it's important to remember sessions would be limited, unlike taking anti-depressants for the rest of your life.

For sure @skypal but are better treatments, safier and with less adverse effects. Right now are investigation with marijuana and ketamine. specially with ketamine in acute depressive dangerous symptoms as suicide thoughts or behavior.

Yes, exactly this.

On a related topic, I personally think it's more dangerous for a society not to take psychedelics than to take them. The risks of not taking psychedelics include: Not knowing yourself; not remembering your past; unconsciously repeating traumatic behaviour patterns; materialism; patriarchal hierarchies and violence.

In short, a society that outlaws psychedelics outlaws reflection on itself.

I think in any balanced discussion, the risks of not taking consciousness expanding drugs should also be included :)

Unfortunately, no one can be told what the psychedelic statelessness is . . .

I'm psychiatrist so i have seen the effect of certain drugs (meth, mda, mdma and other in people) Do you wanna try depression with illegal drugs, use ketamine or cannabis. https://academic.oup.com/ijnp/article/14/8/1127/697651/A-preliminary-naturalistic-study-of-low-dose

Interesting photo. Ecstasy (street pills) or pharmaceutical-grade MDMA?
How much of it? How often? In what context and in combination with what other substances and lifestyle choices?
Primate brain, animal or human?
Assuming decreased serotonin is demonstrated, then what is the proposed mechanism by which this is problematic?
I haven't myself seen any study convincingly correlating serotonin with mood, for example. So, even if we could demonstrate that less serotonin was present, this wouldn't necessarily indicate anything in terms of a person's subjective experience. Although the marketing campaign implying a connection sure sells a lot of Prozac.

See man, the axonal damage increase the risk of dystonia, dementia, cognitive impairment.
This is one study in rat brain. But are neuropsychological studies around the brain damage of mdma.

http://www.jneurosci.org/content/jneuro/8/8/2788.full.pdf

Greets. Use ayahuasca, mescaline, lsd, ketamine but not methanphetamines.

Thanks for the interesting info.

I don't have a biochemistry background, so I can't engage with the paper you've linked to on a deep level. But I do feel there is a lot of ambiguity on this topic. The paper is from 1988 –– not to imply that it is wrong simply for being old, but that it was written in a certain sociopolitical context and would probably not have been funded, or published, if it had reached positive conclusions on MDMA.

Look, for example at how the UK government tried to destroy Professor David Nutt when he concluded that MDMA was no more dangerous than horse riding. The government drove him out of his job –– their own chairman on the 'Advisory Council on the Misuse of Drugs'.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that I fully support ayahuasca, mescaline, lsd, and (with reservations) ketamine. But I do feel that MDMA has been subjected to a fear campaign on a similar scale to the one manufactured against LSD.

See, for example, my friend Ben Sessa's recent TED talk on MDMA therapy:

  ·  8 years ago (edited)

Hi again @matrjoschka. Is dificult to study mdma cause many issues, but there is evidence of neuropathological and neuropsychological damage in users. It is hard to study because are many factor and not only the mdma -others drugs, social factors, etc. But are many articles about. These one is a metaanalysis about 39 studies and the executive effects in humans, from 2016, and free in the web. Most of the papers aren't free, you have to pay to read them.
I´ve tried MDMA a few times when was young, it feels great. I'm pretty sure you should be happy for a while, but in long term there is depression and anxiety. I know there are many concerns around the psychiatry and pharmacology, some false and some true. The antidepressants usually are used for a year and a half o two and then withdraw, not for life. As you say are many controversy. I believe in therapeutical marijuana, I'm really interested in your experiment with LSD and other allucinogen, I'm doing a investigation with ketamine in refractory depression. I´m not closed to discusion or prejudice.
https://www.cambridge.org/core/services/aop-cambridge-core/content/view/B631C672458C919021FFBD5EC7276004/S0033291716000258a.pdf/div-class-title-meta-analysis-of-executive-functioning-in-ecstasy-polydrug-users-div.pdf

Hi @garvofe,
Thanks for explaining more. It is just my personal experience, and not a scientific study, but careful, sparing use of MDMA in a therapeutic context over three years has eliminated my depression. It's my personal hunch that the majority of depression has nothing to do with any chemical modulation in the brain. Other than that repressed material may be kept repressed by chemical mediation.

What I'm proposing is that any measurable chemical changes in the brain of a depressive person are adaptive responses to trauma. In other words: they are symptomatic, not causal.

I'd speculate someone could damage themselves with MDMA, but I feel they'd have to disregard the MAPS protocol entirely. Just as a knife can do surgery or, alternatively, be used to stab someone. So MDMA is just a tool. Open to abuse.

I'll add that I would use MDMA extremely rarely, and ensure that I am in excellent health, well-hydrated, well-rested and in a safe, supported set and setting. I wonder if the 'damage' MDMA is speculated to cause is independent of environment, or heavily dependent on it?

In other words, did these studies look at people going through MDMA therapy in a supported context, or just people who took MDMA and sat in an empty room? Or people who took it and were freaked out by a doctor taking notes about them? Or people who went dancing? How does context change the effect on the serotonergic axons?

Finally, if a person takes MDMA and heals the trauma of, let's say, a sexual assault that has haunted them for decades, allowing them to be free and live a full and happy life, is it really of any subjective consequence to that person that a scientist might point to their HT-5 receptors and frown?

Maybe we'll just have to accept our differing opinions on this :)

That topic aside, I'm fascinated by your work with ketamine. I know very little about this substance as I was scared off it by stories of kidney and bladder damage –– possibly inaccurate?

My preferred psychotherapeutic tools are LSD and MDMA. Alone, or in combination.

Would love to hear more about your experiences with other psychedelics in a therapeutic context. Is marijuana used with a specific intention, for example. And how much; how regularly? This is a topic I'm getting into.

Thanks!

So true, my mother was emotionally abusive and I took acid a few times in the 90s and remembered some of her key moments and tried to calmly discuss with her how it had affected me; telling her that I had no hard feelings because I understood the stress she was under at the time. Her reaction was anger and total denial so my attempt at a deeper relationship with her was futile, she's like a Borg.

I had a very similar experience to you, @cathi-xx.

I think abusers go into denial because most are 'acting out' the abuse they experienced themselves as children. I suspect, in some cases, they literally cannot recall what they have done because it blurs with what was once done to them. And both experiences are repressed.

What is not talked about it acted out.

And so, these traumas are transmitted epigenetically down generations, endlessly. Until someone has the strength to fully remember what happened to them as a kid and express it in some other way than acting it out on the next generation of children.

I suspect what happened with your mother is the same dynamic I encountered with my parents too. This denial system protects abusers from feeling the double horror of what has happened.

This double horror is:

First, the horror of what happened to them as children –– which they have pushed away their whole lives. Indeed, structured their lives around avoiding. Perhaps even marrying other potential future abusers to unconsciously re-enact the pattern again.

Second, the horror of realising that they have repeated what they were subjected to, unconsciously, on their own children.

The defence against this affect-storm in the psyche is anger and denial. Without the denial, all the pain of the trauma would flood the system. This is where MDMA helps.

Thank you for sharing your perspective.

Bless