Well the age of 5 to 15 and then rapes after that. >_< But the main abuse from family members went on from 5 to 15 and then sprinkle in a repeat rape and date rape. I am glad I broke the reckless, self-destructive cycle and can start really healing and only surrounding myself with good people.
RE: Healing the sexual trauma from my past for a healthier sex life.
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Healing the sexual trauma from my past for a healthier sex life.
I read this and lost my breath for a moment, because I have led a very similar life of abuse, and because of the childhood abuse followed by adult rapes, I have had many ex partners accuse me of being a liar, along with family members, and friends (or so-called friends, rather). It got to the point that I actually questioned myself and doubted my experiences, and almost began to believe that I had exaggerated them in my head (but they were such crystal-clear memories!) or that maybe I was taking certain instances out of context somehow, even though I was there, I carry these awful memories with me still, and I know that I would never, and have never exaggerated or made up any of my experiences. Still, enough people doubting you (to your face) and interrogating you as though YOU are the criminal, and making off-hand comments can make anyone begin to wonder if maybe they're just insane. I just decided to stop mentioning it-AT ALL....I actually only just publicly made even a mention of having this history in any type of public forum, after replying to a comment left on my recent post about Colleen Stan (The Girl in The Box). @steemerpat actually suggested that I follow you, after admitting that I'd experienced some awful things and then mentioning that it was not something I'd ever felt comfortable talking about with anyone, or admitting in any type of public space. This was the first of your posts that I happened to read, and I am SO glad that she suggested that I follow you. Your ability to discuss your abuse, as well as to discuss sex so openly, in general amazes me (who can barely even use certain words, even to this day). We seem to have quite a bit in common from what I've read, and I just felt that I HAD to say something....to thank you for your honesty, your ability to be so open, and to let you know that someone in the world relates to you on SO many levels, and is appreciative of what you're writing about....of your being able to speak so freely about something that I struggle with so much.
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Wow, thanks so much for the response. Honestly it inspires me to keep going. I received a ton of accusations of being a liar here for poasting so publicly and got harassed for quite awhile due to the nature of my posts. I even literally had my PTSD triggered by some violent threats so it definitely isn't easy for me to post like I do but I also shared my blogs in a support group I am in on facebook and had many women writing me about how much my blog helped them to open up about their abuse so that inspired me to keep posting openly. In the process I definitely hardened up a bit also.
I know what you mean about the constant doubt and accusations getting to your psyche though. They have done that to me also. I plan to write a book called "The victim card" that is about how people treat a victim when they simply become empowered enough to open up about abuse. Normal, everyday people become suddenly antagonizing and interrogating. I find it....for lack of a better word, fascinating. I think maybe a person having their world-view shaken to the point of accepting terrible abuse taking place constantly, and for some people, repeatedly may just be too much to swallow and so for some it may be easier to lash out, demand a person is lying, and deny the events ever happened, even with no proof.
I actually lost a very close friend once I started blogging like this. He had written my boyfriend who was saying some nasty things about me to his ex and then had me read the emails, all about how I am "playing the victim" and this friend read them and behind my back wrote my ex to praise him for "calling me out". This friend is a rich, white, incredibly privileged male who has admittedly never been abused and says he has loving parents that never wronged him. So, why does he feel it is his place to comment on a woman's life who has no blood relatives left after cutting out the abuse and spent her life from the age of 5 on being repeatedly molested and raped? Where does he get off thinking he has any idea of what this does to a person's psyche or how they should cope? I had to dig to find out which friend it was because my ex wouldnt tell me who said it and honestly I figured it out just by thinking of my privileged male friends, and I ended up right.
Wowee, hadn't planned such a rant but it happens when you start opening up about such deep, dark shit. Feel free to follow me and if you want you can even reach out on fb, I am in support groups and such there. But thank you for inspiring me to keep it raw and honest and reminding me of why I did in the first place.
<3 We got this.
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Ohmygosh! WOW! I think that is an AWESOME idea for a book....I think the whole "playing the victim" thing is thrown into victims' faces unnecessarily all the time!! Especially when you are dealing with males (unfortunately)....I know the fear of people thinking that's what you are doing is enough to keep you from wanting to talk about it....I can relate to all of what you are saying, on many levels. I'm hoping to start opening up about my own experiences, and just these comments have been a start for me. I've had ex husbands accuse me of "asking for it", "wanting it", and "deserving it" and all kinds of other horrible things....It's difficult enough to deal with, then you have people who are supposed to support you calling you names and making you feel even worse. I would love to reach out on Facebook! I'll be sending you a request!! Thanks so much, again. Really....Thank you.
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I definitely didn't experience anything extreme, my mom and sisters though... I don't know how i'd deal with that. I've seen 9 different therapists and only had 2 decent one's. I was refer d to the second by the first. It's hard to find a good one, but if you can it will do wonders. I never sought one out really, except that I checked myself into rehab not even intending to address those problems. It's done me wonders. Hope you can find a good one soon.
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Yeah I tried to find a grief therapist after my best friend died and that experience made me feel "meh" for awhile about therapy. I tried to find the one non Christian one, she was an artsy hippie type but she ended up still believe in an afterlife and just told me to read some book about the afterlife....didn't actually help with my *feelings about death and didn't bother to ask if I believe in an afterlife/take into account how non-helpful that is to an atheist. >:[
But I imagine finding one good who'd deal with my sexual abuse and understand would be hard. Worth a shot though.
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