Andy had delayed this as long as he could. He'd now reached the point where further delay was no longer an option. Andy was in dire need of a dump. His first dump since returning to his own world. There was no telling what damage he'd done holding it in this long. Right now his bowels were telling him this was urgent. The problem being, using the bathroom after returning was always problematic. He knew as soon as he parked his ass on that cool seat, something would quite literally scare the shit out of him. Of course over the years, having experienced this far more frequently than he cared to remember, he'd developed a system. More of a pose really. Instead of seating himself as normal, he'd squat with his feet resting on the seat. It was awkward, but it prevented cold clammy things brushing his genitals. As long as he kept his gaze fastened on the contents of the bowl.
The young nerd paused at his bedroom door. He had a lot of worries right now. Which is quite something when you considered that when Andy didn't have anything to worry about, it worried him. Things weren't as they should be. They weren't as they'd always been. He was considering the possibility that their prolonged stay in history had changed it. Not in the dinosaurs ruling the earth way. Something far more serious than that. It seemed as though things were looking up for him. The world had gone mad. Against all logic and reason, he seemed to have a girlfriend. Kaley was lying naked in his bed. They'd met up at Keith's party. They'd spent the whole evening together. Talked at length to each other. Most amazingly of all they listened to each other. How could this be?
Especially when you factored in the complete lack of any embarrassing situations arising from him talking to an attractive woman. No one had made him the butt of their jokes all night. She worked in the IT department of Daisy's employer, on the helpdesk. They'd had sex in his bed. It hadn't been disappointing. It was impossible to calculate how unlikely any of this was. His obsession with Daisy was now an extremely low priority. It was a shame in a way, he'd reached the point where she remembered his name and acknowledged his existence. A situation he couldn't have dreamed of before now. This wasn't how the world worked. It always set out to humiliate him. Somehow or other they'd changed history.
He checked again, for the fifth time, Kaley was still there. Lying naked in his bed, with a slight smile on her pink lips. He really wanted to take a picture. Only Andy knew as soon as he got his phone out she'd spot him lining up the perfect shot, then instantly brand him a pervert. It was how things worked. It was how things had worked right up to shortly before he followed Caroline and Daisy through the portal. If something as major as this had been altered, there was no telling what other changes were wrought. The world was always out to get him. It conspired against him in every possible way. When it wasn't conspiring against him, it was lining up something truly awful to happen to him. Like that time he'd strangled his testicles stepping over his drunken grandmother on Christmas Day.
The sharp pain in his poop chute told him it was reaching the point of no return. His sphincter wouldn't be capable of holding this back much longer. Andy dodged out the door, took another quick look at Kaley, then did the funny tiny stepped walk required to maintain his anal integrity. Praying as he did so that no one else was occupying the facilities. This one was going to be a monster. Hard to say at this juncture whether it would have to be forced out or simply drop without effort. The bowels can be tricky. They don't like to be ignored or kept from doing what they want to do. They can be very vengeful if thwarted for any length of time.
The final thirty or so tiny steps took him to the threshold of relief. The door wasn't locked. There were no witnesses. How could this be happening? There must be some ultra dreadful happening heading his way. There was no doubt about that. It had to be catastrophic in nature in order to maintain balance, for the good stuff that had happened to him. Daisy and Caroline were his friends? They were normal for God's sake. Not socially inept nerds. Now he came to think of it Kaley was pretty normal to, despite working in IT. Attractive women with social skills were working in a field dominated by nearly autistic men. Andy clambered up onto the bowl. Riveted his eyes to the white porcelain and water beneath. Whatever was going to brush his nuts, he was ready for it.
Ed's bedroom had started to disgorge its contents. Keith, Daisy and Caroline exited the room together, straightening their clothes as they did so. Best not to inquire as to what had taken place there. Only those who were invited ever knew of the events within. Three more women came out wearing animal costumes, while carrying the heads. Shortly after them the postman and two men in wetsuits exited. They all high fived and had a group hug. Bidding one another their farewells they departed. Leaving Keith with Caroline and Daisy.
"Before I leave I've got something for you." Keith advised Daisy.
She opened the closet, drawing out a garment bag. Daisy took it and had a look at the contents. Gasping in wonder.
"You got the spider guts stains out of my favorite work jacket. Here have a look Caz."
The two of them examined the article closely.
"How did you do this? It's immaculate. Doesn't look like the same jacket." Caroline enthused.
Keith became bashful.
"It's just a hobby of mine. Cleaning stains helps me relax of an evening. Due to my lifestyle and my life choices my clothing tends to get heavily stained. Silk and chiffon are particularly prone to staining. So I've picked up a few tricks over the years."
Daisy gave her a hug and a kiss.
"Thanks babe. I owe you one for this."
Biggie's head appeared through the doorway, Ed's took up station above him.
"Keith, you told me last night to remind you not to forget your stepladder."
Ed and Biggie handed it through.
"It would be great if you could bring it along next time to." Ed added.
"I've got another one at home so I could leave this one here if you like."
The Edmeister considered this.
"Put it in the cupboard under the stairs if you're leaving it here. The horses aren't familiar with it so they might get spooked It should be safe there, but don't leave yourself wanting on our account. We should get one of our own really, it would save all the messing. It goes a lot better with a stepladder. Tell you what. Take yours home. The DIY store is closed from midday, I can pop over and steal one this afternoon."
Biggie became a trifle misty eyed, staring reflectively into space.
"Who'd have dreamed all those years ago when we invented Extreme Scrabble, that eventually we'd need a stepladder. Or a loaded revolver for that matter."
Yep, reality was definitely broken. There was no other explanation for it. While they'd been messing about in history something had been changed. The fact Andy was sat in a recliner with Kaley in his lap was all the proof you needed. Add to this they'd clicked on some deep level and nothing untoward had happened all day. Not even when he had his shower. His "GIRLFRIEND" chuckled at something, he looked up at her cheery face.
"What's so amusing?" Andy chanced his arm expecting it to be ripped off at the shoulder.
Kaley kissed him on the nose, then spoke to the whole room.
"Guys you've really got to watch this. Saving Private Ryan, with the sound muted, is one of the funniest movies you'll ever see."
Ed, who was laid out on the sofa with Biggie in his lap, nodded his agreement.
"Strangely if you watch Frozen with the sound off, it's one of the most heart rending things you can possibly imagine."
Caroline and Daisy pulled up a couple of easy chairs, to join in. Daisy began sorting through the pirated DVD's while Caroline checked out the illegal downloads.
"Let's see what other gems we can find. I think we're going to be binging movies tonight." Caroline's fingers flashed across the displayed tiles.
"This is as good as it gets." Daisy opined.
Ed and Biggie shook their heads.
"Actually things can get even better. Biggie and I have received a commission to carry out the assassination of a certain South American dictator. So we've decided to come out of semi-retirement. It just so happens this will require a team effort, so we're inviting you along."
Andy sat up.
"Ed, do you think that's advisable?"
His landlord shrugged.
"Two old hands who've been out of the game for years and four novices who have no idea what they're in for? Headed to a foreign country cowering under the boot of a ruthless, bloodthirsty ruler? A country where none of us speak the language? What could possibly go wrong?"