Much to Andy's amazement the evening was only as shitty as the rest of his situation. The awful things which happened to him were no more awful than had already happened. The conversation was in full flow. The ladies, Keith, Daisy and Caroline, chattering away twenty to the dozen. Ed dividing his attention between the silent movie and them. There was some mention of a party, Andy didn't catch the details. He was far too busy working out why Daisy was here. All dressed up for a night on the town with her girlfriends, no doubt. Normally by this hour she'd have been on her fifth drink at some club or bar. It was Friday night, she was never in on a Friday night. Still somewhat perplexed by this, Andy took a seat in the one remaining space available. A pouffe chair. The lowest of the low. His eye level being below that of the backs of the chairs. Looking up at all the others. Keith in particular. She was tall even sitting down. When she stood up in those 6 inch heels, she had to duck going through most doorways.
The word party came up again. Obviously he hadn't been invited to this party everyone but him knew about. Andy couldn't be sure, but he thought Caroline and Daisy were both going. Keith was ambivalent, so they were attempting to persuade her to come along. It was the look she gave him that froze the blood in his veins. A sultry, sensual stare. Eyes wide, eyelashes fluttering. At him? A quick check showed there was no one behind him. It also allowed the six foot six giant to sneak up on him. Andy yelped at the sight before his eyes. Boy that was a short skirt, Keith was wearing. It left nothing to the imagination. Paradoxically Andy's imagination was running wild. His head tilted back as his eyes made their way up the huge edifice called Keith. The self identifying female lesbian? Oh fuck she was bisexual. That could be a problem. It decided to become one. After climbing the north face, Andy's eyes met the bloodshot peepers longingly gazing down upon him. A huge hairy arm reached out. A folded fifty pound note, between banana fingers, was thrust into Andy's shirt pocket.
"Thanks for the other night." The gruff voice rattling any form of composure Andy possessed. "Let's get together again some time."
"The other night?" Andy squeaked.
"Yeah. You were amazing...." A soft longing look bloomed on Keith's face as she looked off into the distance. "You were everything I could have dreamed of."
Oh God, this couldn't be happening. But it was, and in every sense it had already happened. According to Keith at the very least. What did she dream of? In what way had Andy been amazing? These and a thousand other questions, were whirling around a brain already overflowing with dread. His bottom felt fine. Although considering the five days he'd lost that might not be as comforting as it first seemed. Maybe it was a joke. Perhaps they'd had a wonderful game of Scrabble. Alternatively the impression he'd become a male prostitute, being paid for sexual favors, was an accurate one. Keith resumed her seat, still smiling at him before joining in with the others. If he couldn't remember it, did that mean it hadn't happened. Whatever it was. It might not be as bad as the images flashing through his brain.
He could barely breathe. There were sharp pains in his chest. His fingers were tingling with pins and needles, as his heart beat reverberated in his ears. Andy was sure he was going to be sick. Would there be no sanctuary from this hellish situation? Movement caught his eye. Distracting him from the inner turmoil of Keith's recent revelation. The door to the passageway, which led to the downstairs bathroom, opened slowly. Then closed just as slowly. No one had come through. Unless whoever had come through had crawled in, so they were hidden behind the furniture. That would have been the best interpretation. Andy suspected the actual solution was worse. Biggie Big, or DC to those who knew him, was here. A gentleman of reduced stature. Three foot nine in height, and one of the scariest dudes Andy had ever met. Menacing was a word that is often misused. In Biggie's case it was justified. It wasn't so much that he was malevolent or threatening, it was that you never knew where he'd turn up. All you knew was it would be suddenly and scare the shit out of you.
Andy leaned over precariously trying to get a look around the back of the settee. Eventually he had to put out a hand to lean on as he craned his neck. No sign of him. Nobody else had noticed the door opening and closing. There was a slim chance this entire day was a drug induced hallucination. A probability which was strengthened as Andy sat back up.
"Are you going to join me for a cigar on the veranda?" Ed inquired courteously.
Was that code for something? Had they arranged some secret signal?
"Have we got a veranda?
His landlord chuckled as he twisted the big cigar between his fingers.
"Have we got a veranda? You're a bit of a comedian aren't you."
They did indeed have a veranda. As Andy stepped out the back door onto it, he was mildly disappointed. Part of him had expected to be looking out over a tobacco plantation. It would have confirmed the theory, this was all an hallucination. Of which he'd had many, before he'd learned of Ed's laissez faire attitude towards what you put in food and drink containers. Instead of a plantation, Andy found himself looking out at an overgrown back garden. Containing the ruins of a couple of sheds, a broken arm chair and a rusty wheeless wheelbarrow. The back fence needed a lot of remedial work to. Ed cut off the end of his cigar before lighting it with a match he struck on one of the pillars. Andy didn't have a cigar. Then again he didn't smoke. Unless he was doing it during those blackouts, along with amazing Keith with everything she could dream of. Thinking about it he got a lot more done during those missing days. Had a lot more fun to.
"One day all this will be yours." Ed declared sweeping his arm. "I think of you as the pathetic, idiot son I never had. A spineless, incompetent coward. Fruit of my loins. Product of a brief sexual liaison with a badly shaved chimp being used for medical experimentation. Look upon this as your inheritance you pitiful oxygen thief." He turned taking a few steps before turning back. "But as you know, that's not true. I'm just a hopeless romantic at heart. As you know I took you in after the tragic death of both your parents."
"My parents are still alive." Andy countered as he looked round bewildered by this turn of events.
They had a veranda.
"Are they?" Ed countered. "Or are you still in denial? I know it's hard for you to come to terms with their loss, my bastard son of a chimpanzee, but you must accept they are dead and buried. People don't come back from what you did to them."
It hit him like a sledgehammer.
"You mean my parents are actually dead?" His eyes pregnant with tears.
Ed looked at him quizzically.
"What makes you say that?"
"You just said they were."
"I think you'll find you're wrong there. Possibly it's my fault for not talking to you in a way in which your limited intellect can understand. You've misconstrued me. Nothing I've said so far could give you the impression you'd butchered your own parents. Now why did you bring me out here anyway?"
"I didn't. You asked me to join you on the veranda for a cigar. You cock. For a minute there I thought my parents were dead."
His landlord put a comforting arm around him.
"How long has it been since you began wishing your parents were dead Andy? Did your mother catch you masturbating into her dirty knickers again? Did she threaten to tell your father? That's it isn't it? You snapped at that moment. Knew the only way you could escape punishment was by murdering both your parents. Sexually abusing their mutilated corpses before burning them. It's an all too common occurrence I'm afraid. Still I think our little talk has headed off this particular psychotic break. I'll call your mother to let her know her life is no longer in peril. Until the next time. Let's get back inside before the others miss us and send out a search party."
No this wasn't a drug induced delusion. This was par for the course where Ed was concerned. You would never be able to work out what purpose any of this served, because it didn't have a purpose. Ed was being Ed. And Andy had just stepped through the back door into a party in full swing. Over a dozen guests were in the living room. How long had they been outside? There was a buffet and a table full of bottles of alcohol. Loud music with couples dancing. This might even be the party they were talking about. Keith was in deep conversation with a man. Caroline and Daisy were with four other women. Laughing and joking. He might as well grab a drink and some snacks while he was here. Andy didn't get invited to a lot of parties. Very few of them had more women than men at them. None infact. IT parties were a sausage fest. Filled with socially inept sausages