Can you see yourself in any of the signs listed below? Perhaps you recognize all of them. If so, you may have pleaser behavior.
As you read through the ten signs, it is crucial to be completely honest with yourself. Only by being truthful can you begin to break free from your pleaser behavior. I will discuss how to overcome this inner pleaser later in the article.
Here are the few signs that indicate you have pleaser behavior:
You struggle to say no and find it difficult to set boundaries with others.
You consistently prioritize the needs of others over your own.
You have friends or family members who leave you feeling drained and exhausted.
You work in a job that does not bring you enjoyment or fulfillment.
You do your best to avoid conflict, often choosing to keep your thoughts and feelings to yourself.
You are hyper-focused on practical concerns, ensuring that nothing goes amiss.
You often resolve the problems of others but hesitate to ask for help or receive support when it’s offered to you.
You believe that hard work is necessary for joy, yet you seldom experience the enjoyment you crave.
At work, you are the dependable person who takes on too many tasks in an effort to support your boss or colleagues.
You have an abundance of empathy and love for others, yet you neglect to show the same kindness to yourself.
Understanding why you exhibit pleaser behavior requires examining its roots. This pattern is often a survival instinct recognized by many individuals. You might be surprised at how common it is.
Having pleaser behavior is typically formed in childhood. Whether you are the oldest or the youngest sibling, you may have learned that to gain attention, you needed to be seen as the nice or helpful one. If your parents lacked energy or made statements like "Don't be selfish" or "Don’t create drama," you may have internalized the idea that expressing your own needs would lead to disapproval or rejection. As a result, you unconsciously learned to suppress your feelings to gain love and attention, becoming skilled at identifying the needs of others. This behavior garnered you praise and affection, reinforcing the cycle.
As a pleaser, your beliefs can be very limiting. You may think that you must not be seen or heard. You may believe that shining in any way is selfish. You might feel compelled to behave perfectly and avoid being troublesome or engaging in conflicts of any kind. Because of these beliefs, you might consistently set your own needs aside to focus on those of others. This learned behavior continues into adulthood, where you excel at sensing what others want and need. Consequently, you may feel valued and worthy of love only when you meet others’ demands. These beliefs can lead to overthinking, as you find yourself constantly trying to figure out what everyone else needs. While this makes you well-liked, it often comes at the cost of your own well-being.
The reality is that as a pleaser, you may feel as if you have lost sight of who you really are. You have hidden your own emotions, needs, and opinions. The fear of rejection or being left out drives your behavior. The thought of standing up for yourself can be overwhelming. Setting boundaries may feel like an impossible task, causing physical reactions like nausea or tension in your throat as you imagine saying no to those important in your life.
Recognizing these feelings and behaviors is the first step toward change.