Many photos of pure happiness appear on social media like Instagram, and elsewhere. Do you feel down? You have company!
A dream vacation, a passionate love affair, a prominent profession, and many great friends... Some feel blessed by the gods and post tonnes of cheerful photos on social media. How to keep comparing?
"We mainly compare ourselves to our interpretation of what we see," says psychologist and Compare Yourself and You'll Be Happy author Yves-Alexandre Thalmann (Jouvence, 2012). We don't know what these people are going through.
What they've done, felt, and will do is unknown to us..." Thus, our comparisons are often frozen Polaroids, occasionally contrived. "but it's simply impossible not to compare ourselves: comparison is part of the very process of thought," says Thalmann. Thinking requires making connections, which requires comparing..."
Comparing oneself to others is inevitable, but don't obsess. "My research and that of other experts have shown that comparing yourself too much is linked to a less happy state of being and low self-esteem," says Sonja Lyubomirsky, University of California psychology professor and author of What Makes Us Really Happy?
Compare yourself too much and you'll be sad. According to my findings, we should use our own standards instead of comparing ourselves to others."
Indeed, more research show that social media, especially Facebook, makes people miserable. In 2013, University of Michigan researchers found that Facebook use impacted well-being without identifying causes. Other research describe envy and loneliness. In 2009, University of Guelph researchers found that Facebook enhanced jealousy.
Comparing yourself can be depressing or motivating. Yves-Alexandre Thalmann says, "Comparing yourself is even necessary," praising comparison. "How else can you define yourself? How do you tell whether you're normal?"
“Two years ago, my friend and I started running,” adds Joëlle, 32. A friend runs half marathons while I struggle to finish a 10 km! Despite being the same age, we train equally. I was discouraged at first and almost gave up, says the young woman. “I had to accept that my friend was a ‘natural’ while I worked harder.”
Comparing ourselves isn't detrimental, but how we compare is. The goal is to be motivated by others' triumphs and use them for our own. Sometimes it's hard.
"I think we can get to the point where we are happy about the success of others and not feel threatened by them," Geneviève, 42. I have a bad job and a pal who's publishing his fourth novel.
My heart sank as I wondered why I was there. But it was brief. I and he are where they are for many reasons. Happy for him. I know things will change and I'll move... That's life."