Unfortunately, many individuals conflate these three terms, thus knowing the difference is advised. In a session, a participant gets up and turns off the air conditioning because it's too cold. When I encouraged this participant to consult the group before acting, she was offended.
She told me she listened to her needs and understood its value from Listen to Your Body. Another found that this person could assert herself with such initiative. I took a stop in the workshop to clarify these words for everyone. This inspired me to write this newsletter.
It would be chaos if we all followed our own needs without considering society. It is true that we must know and address our needs. If this means others must sacrifice their needs for yours, that's selfishness. The definition of selfishness is repeated here. Because our ego hinders us from remembering, we repeat it often.
Selfishness involves asking people to prioritise our wants over theirs. When we want someone to please us to prove their love, this typically happens.
It's evident that this causes misunderstanding. The woman arrives home from work exhausted and wants to rest to eat. It would be selfish to tell her partner and two children there would be no dinner that night. If she informed them she doesn't want to eat but that they can get anything they want, she would listen to her needs without interfering with her friends'.
I know a few women who changed their diet after reading a book or gaining weight. They cook for the complete family according to their preferences, seeming to love them. Their motives are selfish, not love.
We must also consider needs. Really one? A whim or desire? Check how your desire enables you to determine if it's a need. Return to the first example participant. She might say she needs to feel good to follow the workshop. She may have asked for a wool or shawl or moved to be warmer.
People often think assertiveness involves saying or doing what they want. In another workshop, a young man repeatedly interrupting others or me to pose a question without raising his hand. He said he asserted himself everywhere because he couldn't with his parents as a child.
To establish yourself, clearly express your ideas, opinions, and intentions based on your beliefs and requirements. Thus, the young man did not assert himself but demanded that people listen to him when he wanted. Selfishness and disrespect characterise this mentality.
People think we're centred and talking about our needs when we express ourselves. Consider a man who needs nature to relax after a stressful week at work. To do this, he joins a golf club. When his partner and family disagree, he says that this need is vital to him and that they have the right to disagree, but it will not change his decision.
He'll have to play golf to decide if this is the best approach to calm down. This dad lets his partner and children express their needs.
Assertive people know how to ask for what they need. Remember that the person you request from is not required to access it. If so, just ask someone else. Thus, you establish your wants without oppressing others or being selfish.
We must realise that a family or couple cannot meet all their demands at once. This is a great chance to learn to love appreciating others' uniqueness even if we disagree or don't understand.